


Making Peace

by Pr3ttyawesome



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Alien genitalia, Eggpreg, F/F, Gem Egg Hell, Gemlings, Oviposition, Pregnancy, White Diamond Theory, implied one-sided Pearl/Rose Quartz
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-08
Updated: 2017-02-06
Packaged: 2018-09-07 06:25:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 12
Words: 26,993
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8787100
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pr3ttyawesome/pseuds/Pr3ttyawesome
Summary: Pearl is hurt in a confrontation with Jasper that goes deeper than anyone thinks, and she left to fight many challenges that she'd rather battle alone. But an unlikely comfort in the form of Lapis Lazuli, extends a helping hand, she won't let Pearl face the past or future alone. But only if Pearl is willing…





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> First REAL fanfiction written. Sorry if I suck at this, but please give a read. Tigger Warning, Dark Themes ahead, Read at your own Caution. Relationship between two female characters, don’t like don’t read. Constructive Feedback welcomed, but don’t be rude, or mean-spirited criticizers comments will be deleted.
> 
> ~ inside ~ are thoughts
> 
>  _italics_ are flashbacks and sometimes dreams. Most of the dreams/nightmares will be flashbacks.
> 
> Set after Back to the Barn and AU from there, not canon, though how Jasper is captured will be the same but everything else will be a bit different.
> 
> Hope you enjoy

Pearl was sitting at the shore in front of the temple. The air was calm, a nice breeze fluttered around her, but the ocean was turbulent, rough, it crashed onto the sand harshly, ~like my thoughts~ Pearl couldn’t help but notice,. She knew should have been in the temple, that Steven would be worried, but instead she curled her knees into her chest leaning her head to rest in the cradle her long legs made and rested her arms around herself. She was too lost in thought to notice Lapis sit next the her.

“I know why you’re here” she spoke quietly, settling next to her, trying not the startle Pearl though she jumped anyway

“Oh, Lapis, you startled me” Pearl said turning her head slightly to watch her, hands clenched to fist, she looked back out into the ocean, content to ignore Lapis’ comment.

“I know that she hurt you” 

“Who?” Pearl replied, feigning innocence in her voice

“Jasper” Lapis' sneer was clear in voice, she practically spit the name out. 

Pearl visibly flinched at the name. Lapis quickly calmed herself when she saw Pearl’s reaction, “I have no clue what you are referring too. There is nothing wrong with me, and the only thing that Jasper has done to hurt me is superficial and will heal” Pearl replied thickly.

Lapis scoffed, “you came back different after your trip to the Beta Kindergarten, I know you saw her there, I know you fought her and I know that she hurt you more than in that fight, I know…”

Pearl whirled to face her, growling through clenched teeth, “You don’t know anything…" but she couldn’t keep the tears from her voice when she saw Lapis normally disinterested face awash with sympathy, she turned back to the sea, watched the waves crash into each other, "Why do you even care, you would like it if I got hurt, that Jasper did something to me, that she hurt me, wouldn't you? Do you want someone to hurt like you, to feel trapped like you did, do you want someone to wallow in pain and misery with you? You want us to feel like you did in that mirror don't you?" she shook her head with a dry laugh, almost defeated, "I didn’t know that you where in there Lapis, and I wish I had known that you were, I would have freed you myself, I never thought that Rose..." she choked over her name "that she would keep anyone trapped, not after..." she trailed off

"I know" Lapis whispered, so low that it seemed to get lost into the wind

"I remember you, you know, from White Diamonds court" she reached to put her hand on her shoulder to comfort her, Pearl jerked back before she could make contact, she stood quickly, with her arms crossed over her stomach and looked down at Lapis, "You know nothing, I don’t know you, I was never in White Diamonds court, I never saw you, Jasper didn't hurt me so you. know. nothing" she spewed this venomously before whirling away and marching back up the beach, leaving Lapis at the shore, hand still raised in comfort. 

She sighed, curled her hand back into her chest in protection, looking out into the ocean, the "I'm sorry" was whispered to the ocean, carried off on the breeze, never to reach its intended party.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> most of this is the thoughts from Pearl and Lapis after their altercation.

Pearl stumbled up the beach, thoughts consuming her, most of her grace lost during her confrontation with Lapis. ~What could she possible know, she wasn’t that high up in Blue Diamond’s court, was she? Anyways that was over 7,000 years ago, long before the war, she couldn’t possibly recognize me. Why would she seek me out? What does she know? I’ll have to talk to her, ugh, I shouldn’t have walked away. What if she tells Steven? What would she tell Steven? ~ She worried her bottom lip, ran her fingers through her hair, she turned to walk back down the beach to Lapis, but her feet faltered, she couldn’t decide whether to flee or confront. 

~I’ll talk to Lapis later, after Steven is asleep.~ Resolute spun on her heel, her usual flair gone, up the beach to the Temple, in the little time she has to reach the house she tries to compose herself, tries to bottle everything back up, she knew that if Steven or the other gems saw her this way they would be worried. She didn’t want to worry them further, she knew that they were already concerned due to her defeat from her earlier battle from Jasper, but… she shook her head ~If only they knew, maybe they could help.~ She shook her head again, trying to rid herself of the thought, ~No, I can’t think about that, no one knows and it will say like that for as ever long I can get away with it.~ She rubbed her gem and made her way inside. 

She saw the mess that Amethyst and Steven had made in her absence, she sighed in relief, for once appreciative of the untidiness the two could generate and began to pick up the mess off the floor. Gathering Stevens dirty laundry and began placing them in the laundry bag, cleaning the empty plates and trash littering around Stevens room, and placing the dirty dishes into the sink, she would do them after she started his load of laundry, she began to get lost in the miniscule task, taking her ways from her thoughts for the moment, she was grateful, but she knew the peace would not last…

****************************************

Lapis moved back from the upcoming tides on the sand, no matter how much the water was her home she was still wary of the ocean, and the memories that it held. She sighed in defeat, her gem glowing on her back and let her water wings manifest; she rose in the sky and flew lazily towards the barn that she shared with Peridot, for the moment she was in no hurry to return. 

She looked down at the temple and sighed again, ~Why do I even care? Why do I still want to help her, she obviously doesn’t need nor want my help~ she huffed and looked away, she didn’t like the Pearl had thought that of her, that she would be happy that Jasper had hurt her, that’s far from what she wanted. She didn’t trust most of the Crystal Gems, her history with them was not as good as it could have been, but she knew in her gem that Pearl truly had nothing to do with trapping her, and she trusted Stevens word. But more than that she knew Pearl, she remembered her eyes, the bright cerulean how breathtaking they looked, the utter defeat they held, was something that going to be seared in her gem forever. 

When Pearl came back from her mission she recognized her posture, how defeated her eyes looked even though she tried to be strong, and though she didn’t exactly know or understand what Pearl went through, was going through, she had been in Jasper’s mind, had seen how depraved she thought, how her thoughts were hell-bent on destroying and hurting Rose Quartz anyway she could. 

She pondered ~Maybe I was too forward?~ Lapis frowned at the thought, landing on the top of the barn ~I mean she doesn’t know me, she thinks I hate her, I do hate her…don’t I?~ she grunted in frustration, ran her fingers through her hair, remarkably similar to another gem, ~I know that that Pearl was her, I would know her face anywhere, how awful and dead her eyes looked,~ she shuddered and wrapped her hands around her, gems didn’t get cold, especially not her, but it did help ~I remember the whispers of the other gems, of how she was treated, how cruel White Diamond was...the rumors that went the courts about what she did to her~ she shook her head and looked to the Temple, ~I’ll try again, I’ll help, if she knows I know, that I understand what it feels like to be trapped, that I know how she feels maybe I could help, it would be like helping Steven, right?~ her mind made up, she made her way into the barn to watch more CPH with Peridot ~I’ll make sure she knows I’m here, and maybe we’ll both find some peace…~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ill be skimming over a lot of what is going on in the show, might pluck a thing or two, but might not be in order of canon.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Instead of Pearl first meeting Jasper in the snow with Connie and Steven she first meets her in the Beta Kindergarten, kind of like the Earthlings episode but there are no corruptions yet, and she’s alone. 
> 
> I’m really bad at action scenes…sorry. Potentially triggery. Angst. Implied nonconsensual actions between two gems, not detailed.
> 
> Flashbacks are in _italics_  
>  Enjoy

She carefully inspected every inch of the house and Steven's room, made sure that Steven's folded clothes were away, that the house was spick and span, and no dirt had been spared. After, she made her way into her room in the Temple, sealing all entrances to her room, from both Amethyst and Garnet. She quickly made her way across the water instead of teleporting from the basin of water to the top of one of the largest fountains of water.

She felt tired, even though gems didn't need sleep, but she knew that in the months to come that she would need plenty of meditation and rest. She knew the signs, she understood what it meant - the aching in her gem, the inability to reform like she wanted to after her encounter with Jasper, her excessive cleaning that was much even for her, and her tiredness - she just didn't want to believe. ~First time in thousands of years and still by the hands of the same brutes~ she scoffed to herself. ~I'll never be free of Homeworld~ she wiped the few tears that managed to cascade down her face, coming to stop at one of the fountains she parted the water like a curtain and walked into what appear to be a bedroom of sorts.

The fountain of water gave the impression of ever moving walls, but made it so there was little light, and seated to the middle was a large and comfortable looking bed; that no one but herself, not even Rose, knew about. She grabbed the scarf that rested near the foot of the bed. It was something that Steven had left 'just in case' she got tired and wanted to sleep without projecting her dreams. 

She placed it on, just in case Amethyst managed to get into her room, and find her. She crawled onto the bed and arranged herself into a nest of sorts and began to drift off to sleep, she knew that her dreams would be anything less than pleasant, but she knew she had to rest or she would be no good to the team when Garnet got back from her mission and Amethyst and Steven and Connie from Funland. ~at least no one will hear if I scream~ was her last thought before she drifted off completely.

_She walked cautiously through Beta Kindergarten, ~I hate this place, and though it's not as dark as the one where Amethyst came from it's still bad.~ She already had her weapon drawn, she knew that Jasper was most likely not there, or Garnet wouldn't have sent her alone, but she always knew to never be too careful._

_After walking for what seemed like hours Pearl was just about to turn back ~This Jasper recon mission is an utter failure, at least that will help Garnet narrow down the list further, but that leaves so many places left to look~ she pondered until she heard a noise. She walked in the direction, weapon raised and ready, and walked into a whole new portion of the Kindergarten ~I didn't know that it went back this far~ she looked around until she spotted Jasper digging out what appeared to be an exit point of another quartz soldier._

_Pearl readied her weapon aiming at the massive oversized quartz solider, "Jasper, don't move."_

_Jasper whipped her head, helmet at the ready, "oh it's just you, a pearl" she mocked with a dry chuckle, turning back to continue her task._

_"Are you here all alone, left by yourself by the abomination or the runt? Or did you lose your owner?" Jasper continued on taunting._

_"I AM my OWN gem; I'm not owned by anyone! Though you wouldn't know anything about that, you're so fixated on a Diamond Alliance that cares little about what happens to you!" Pearl huffed out a laugh, taunting the larger gem back "Seems odd doesn't it, that the diamond that your so **devoted** to has left you here, hasn't tried to rescue you…"_

_Jasper whirled to face her, pointing her large finger to her face from across the clearing. "YOU have no right to talk down to ME, you're a pearl, something that is made to look pretty and be used however your master deems fit. Is that why you stayed with Rose Quartz so long, did she give it better to you than your owner did?" Jasper interrupted her throwing her head back in a dark booming laugh, "I'll bet you cost quite a bit back on Homeworld," she sneered stalking closer._

_Pearl circled around her, keeping distance between them, she was getting riled up, they both were, she hated when someone talked about how pearls where treated on Homeworld._

_"No matter how I was treated on Homeworld and what I was **worth** …" She spits the word "…this is Earth and it's not where you belong and it's where I'm free and I'm not going to let some asinine quartz hurt it, or anyone on it, especially my family." From there she blasted Jasper with several energy-spheres from the tip of her spear._

_Jasper stumbled back at the force of the blow, but that only seemed to make her angrier. Pearl knew that if there was going to be anyway to beat Jasper that she was going to have to take her surprise, and to stay as far away from her as possible until then._

_Pearl blasted her with several more energy-spheres, more missed and hit Jaspers helmet than crucial parts of her form. Jasper with a surprising amount of agility and speed for someone of her size dodge the energy projectile, coming straight for Pearl, and even though Pearl elegantly twisted and twirled out of the path of her fist and spin-dashes she knew she was in trouble. ~I have to get out of here, I need to regroup and bring reinforcements.~_

_Quickly looking for an escape route that the big brute couldn't get through, she knew that she needed to get out of there, that she was close to being caught._

_The dance of battle continued until, Jasper grasped the foot that she had miscalculated in her placement when jumping over her reach. ~I'm in trouble~ was her last thought before saw the ground coming closer to her body. She instinctively shields her gem with her arms, losing her precious spear, which fell feet from where she landed, disappearing in a flash of light._

_Pearl rolled several feet away, trying to get back to her feet, but before she could get her bearings Jaspers fist was impacting her stomach, the force driving her to the sandstone walls of the Beta Kindergarten._

_Over and over Jasper struck her from all sides, until she knew that her defeat was imminent, curling into herself on her stomach unable to get up, she knew that Jasper could destroy her gem right here and she wouldn't be able to do anything._

_Jasper strolled to her lazily, circling her prone figure, arrogant laughter bubbling from deep within her chest. She reached down and grasped Pearls shoulder, forcing her onto her back, looking down into her eyes, expecting to see defeat and surrender, instead was met with Pearls resolute and defiant gaze. Pearl growled up to her, showing no fear, "Do your worst, shatter me, I have lived a full life, more than any pearl. I've had my freedom; you can never take that from me. You nor Homeworld will win, regardless if I'm here or not…"_

_Jasper chuckled, crouching down her eyes leering over Pearls body, "You certainly are defective, aren't you?" she stood once more and continued her lewd examination of Pearls body stopping when she reached Pearls head, "But so loyal… mmmm….no I'm not going to crush you, I'm not going to shatter you."_

_Pearls eyes widen in surprise before taking on a cautious defiance, trying to understand what Jasper was thinking. Jasper grasped at her throat, pulling her put to face height, Pearl struggled to remove her hand, swinging her feet to gain some purchase, but she was several feet off the ground…_

_"No. I'll show you how a pearl is supposed to be treated." Jasper mocked in her ear, Pearl went stock still, and Jasper basked in the fear that she could feel radiating from Pearls body. "I'll make sure that you'll never be able to touch that traitor **Rose Quartz's** ineffective form again without seeing my face, without feeling me." Jasper raised one meaty paw and placed it in on the fabricated pale blue tunic with the small yellow star, and ripped it off in one tug…_

"Aaaauuuugghhhh! NOOO! STOP, please don't!" Pearl bolted straight up in bed, disoriented and trembling, trying in vain to get free of something that wasn't there, clawing at her neck and chest, ripping her shirt and scratching herself in the process.

She struggled and screamed against the unseen foe before realizing that it was the tangle of bed sheets caught in-between her legs and arms. She finally collapses with heaving sobs, curling into herself, gulping in unnecessary air.

~I didn't think that it would get this bad, I didn't expect for this to happen. This has never happened before. I haven't had nightmares like this since the war. ~

Pearl twisted her fingers through her hair, trying to calm herself, she closed her eyes briefly, before they snapped back open abruptly with a gasp, she could help but see her face every time she closed her eyes. She felt like she was hunting her, ~Why won't she go away. It's been over a week of this. It's not like this is new, like this hasn't happened before…~ She shook herself of the thought, not wanting to get sucked into deeper memories, tilting her head up to watch the top of the fountain.

~Why does it hurt so much? It hurts so much, because she took so much. I thought I was free of Homeworld.~ She curled her arms around her abdomen, mimicking a hug, trying to bring herself some comfort. ~It's not fair, why me?~ Fresh tears went unnoticed down her face ~I couldn't even fight her off, I've fought a thousand year war, battled corruptions and yet she still managed to do **that**. She treated me like I was nothing~ She wiped her eyes angrily, as she sat up on the bed, trying to calm herself. ~because I am nothing, _how a pearl is supposed to be treated_ ~

She shivered in distain ~Rose would be so disappointed in me. How am I supposed to protect the planet she **loved** if I can't even protect myself from one quartz soldier~ she made her way off the bed, she felt herself pacing, no matter how hard she tried she could not get her mind to stop racing. ~At least there's another reason to hate Kindergartens. I **hate** her, I'm going to find her and **shatter** her to pieces I'm going to…~ she stopped herself, she knew she shouldn't have been thinking like this. She never wanted to get anywhere near the gem again, even if she was shattered on the ground. She soothed a hand down her face ~It wasn't supposed to happen like this.~ With a sigh she slumped her shoulders and made her way out from under the fountain.

She knew that it was late outside of the temple, sure that Steven and the other Crystal Gems would be back from their various task and that if she didn't reveal herself, sooner or later one of them would come inquiring about her. She also knew that she still had to talk to Lapis, she dreaded the conversation, she just hoped that she could convince the other gem to not tell Steven and the other gems to spite her.

~Don't think about it now, I don't need any added stress.~

She wanted to appear as normal as possible, she knew sooner or later that she would have to tell them, it would put them in jeopardy if she couldn't do her duty right. But for now she wanted to ignore everything about her situation and act as naturally as possible.

But as she stepped out the temple doors…she found that it was going to be harder than she thought.


	4. Chapter 4

**Meanwhile outside of the temple…**

“I had so much fun at Funland, hahahaha, get it fun at Funland.” Steven giggled to himself as he and Amethyst walked up the steps to the beach house, that Steven and the gems lived in, after dropping of Connie with her parents.

“Yea, good one Stev-o.” Amethyst muttered, not really finding Steven’s pun funny.

“If you want funny, watch this.” Amethyst shifted her form to look like Jasper, “I’m gonna scare Pearl when she comes out the temple, she’s gonna turn so blue...and get so scared and so angry, it’s gonna be high-larious.”

“I don’t think she’s gonna like that Amethyst.” Steven said, scratching his head in thought.

“That’s the point Steven, ugh, it’s not for her enjoyment, it’s for ours. She’s like gonna walk out the door or something and I’m gonna pop out and scare her. I wonder how high she’s gonna squawk?” She mentally patted herself on the back of how good her plan was.

“How do you even know that she’s in there, she could be at the laundry or in town.” Steven tried to think of a way to discourage Amethyst at being funny. He knew from experience Amethyst pranks on Pearl that all it was going to end in argument between the pale and purple gems, and he hated it when they fought. 

Amethyst hummed to herself in thought, stopping just before they could be seen by anyone that might be in the house, she peeked inside but didn’t see anyone. “Good point Stev-o, but we know she’s not in town or we would have seen her, and she’s not at the laundry because she would’ve called to us by now, so she has to be inside the Temple. But good try, you still make an excellent sidekick.” Ruffling Steven’s hair, “Now how bout you sit at the window and signal me when she comes out. Then I’ll bust in the door and see how high she screeches and then we’ll time how long she lectures us. This is gonna be epic!” 

Amethyst pushed Steven the rest of the way, and reluctantly Steven made his way into the house, onto the window seat and waited for Pearl. ~I hope she takes a long time, and then Amethyst will get bored and stop.~ But as soon as the thought crosses his mind Pearl stepped out of the temple doors.

Steven noticed that Pearl seemed lost in thought, and he really didn’t want to but gave the signal to Amethyst nonetheless ~I hope this doesn’t go as bad as I think it will.~

Pearl was still pulling herself together, trying to plaster on a genuine smile that would pass Garnet and Steven’s inspection, that she didn’t even notice Steven or anything amiss until the screen door to the house slammed open.

Pearl head snapped up only to stumbled to a stop when she recognized Jaspers looming silhouette in the doorway. She stared, scared stiff, unable to even summon her weapon, for what felt like minutes but could have only a few milliseconds. Her unneeded breath stuck in her chest, until it was released in a wail that was so frightened that it made Steven hair stand on end, making him clamp his hands over his ears; and startle Amethyst so bad that it caused her to lose her concentration on keeping Jaspers form.

Pearl stumbled back into her room in the Temple, and as the doors slide closed, she sunk to her knees, but not before seeing the Faux-Jasper shrink into a noticeably smaller and more familiar quartz.

~This is not going to turn out well.~ As she let herself cry again.

*****************************

There was silence in the house. Not a sound but the hum of the refrigerator, Steven’s hands were still placed firmly over his ears and Amethyst was still positioned in the doorway. Neither moved until Garnet’s form warped in on the warp pad, a corrupted gem encased in her bubble, with a tap of her finger she sent it to the Boiling Room with the rest of the gems. 

She noticed the silence of the two gems, but said nothing, waiting for them to speak like she knew they would. 

Steven was the first to break out of his reprieve, scurrying off the window seat to run to Garnet, “There’s something wrong with Pearl!”

“I am aware.” But Garnet’s reply wasn’t heard by Steven. He was frantically trying explain what had happened, even though it wasn’t necessary, Garnet had already seen what happened. 

“A…A…Amethyst was playing a harmless prank on Pearl; it was supposed to hurt her! She was just gonna jump out and look and growl like Jasper and it was just supposed to scare Pearl a little…j-just a little and then they were gonna argue and I would step in and help them make up and y-you would come it and everybody would fall in line…and…and I-I would ask you about the cool new gem you captured. But that didn’t happen…and…and Pearl looked so scared and she didn’t even know I was there when she came out, and she was wearing the fake smile that I don’t like, she’s been wearing that a lot since she ran into Jasper. And I really didn’t want to do the prank but I thought that maybe it would get things back to normal but her scream…it was so loud and…and terrified, I’ve never heard her sound like that, it hurt me ears and my heart. And it looked like she had been crying and…and…and…” Steven was in tears at this point, sobbing out, he was so sad that he had been one to help hurt Pearl.

Amethyst just ducked her head and watched her scraped her boot against the well-worn wooden floors. She knew she was in the wrong, she knew that Garnet would give her the ‘act like a good role-model’ lecture, of how she ‘wasn’t being a Crystal Gem’. But she just wanted Pearl back to normal, she didn’t nag her about her messes anymore, or about how letting Steven consume to much junk food was bad for Steven’s fragile human body and it would cause blah, blah, blah. 

She crossed her arms over her chest waiting to hear the lecture but was surprised when nothing of the sort came from Garnet. She looked towards Steven only to see him in Garnet’s embrace. Garnet was crouched low to look Steven in the eye and wipe away his tears, she looked to Amethyst too.

“The error does not fall to either of you.” Garnet said, trying to sooth them both. She knew of the turmoil in the house, the tension between the gems. She also knew that no matter what happened, the future didn’t hold many good scenarios for all parties, especially Pearl.  
Both Steven and Amethyst gapped at Garnet, looking for an explanation.

“We are not aware of what Pearl is going through that present moment. We do know that it is centered around her encounter with Jasper, and that goes far beyond what she was explained to us. For the moment all we can do is offer comfort by our presences alone and wait until she comes to us.” With that Garnet wiped the last bit of tears from Steven’s eyes, soothed her hand over Amethyst head and stood. “She will not be back out until much later this evening, I suggest that you two allow her some reprieve and not ask too many questions of her.”

She walked away towards the Temple but paused and turned to look at them two gems still standing in the middle of the living room. 

“She will be okay.” She assured them both, but turning back to the Temple it was not an assurance that she felt would be true for a long time.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pearl seeking out Lapis to pick up where they left off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Picks up hours after Amethyst and Steven talk with Garnet.

Pearl knocked on the barn door, sure that the two gems inside would be able to hear her. She was hoping that Lapis would answer the door, but she got Peridot instead.

Peridot peered up at the taller gem in confusion, she looked behind her but didn’t see Steven or the other crystal gems behind her. “Pearl.”

Pearl cleared her throat, “Peridot.” Fidgeting with her fingers in nervousness under Peridot’s scrutiny.

“What can I do for you? Have you come to see the great and lovable Peridot’s new amazing metal powers?”

“Um no, I haven’t Peridot.”

“Then you have you come to see the amazing meep morphs that me and Lapis Lazuli have created.” Peridot tapped her chin in thought, “um, I do not believe that Lazuli has made any new ones since our last exhibition. I do have some of my own, though they are not completely ready and I have not shown them to anyone…I didn’t really want to until they were in their complete gloriousness but if you…”

“No, no that’s fine Peridot. I didn’t come to see the meep morphs, I wouldn’t want to show me until you are sure it is ready.” Pearl waved her hands in front of her, trying to placate Peridot. 

“If it is not to see the meep morphs or my fantastic metal skills why are you here?”

“I-I…um I was wondering if…if Lapis was here?”

“Lazuli?!” The green gem exclaimed, partly in disbelief and partly in outrage. She was sure that most came to visit wanted to talk to her, seeing as the blue gem wasn’t very friendly with anyone but Steven…and herself, of course. 

“Yes. We…we had somethings to discuss.” Pearls fidgeting had gotten worse. She just wanted to talk to the water gem, find out what the other gem knew and assure herself that the other gem wouldn’t tell anything to Steven.

“Ooookkkaaayyy.” Peridot said, stepping back into the barn holding the door open for Pearl, turning to look for her barn mate.

Pearl slipped through the door, letting it fall close behind, though she didn’t move from there, deciding to say by the door just in case she needed to make a quick escape.

“Lapis!!! Lapis!” Peridot yelled up to the upper level of the barn, “Pearl is here!”

Lapis was sitting on the couch, her head was resting on her knees, contemplating on what she was going to do in regards to Pearl. She was content to ignore the small green gem calls until she heard the name of the gem her mind was so wrapped up about.

She popped up quickly. ~Pearl? Pearl’s here? Why?~ Appearing on the second floor of the barn, and found that Peridot was indeed correct, that Pearl was there, looking as though she was seconds away from bolting from the barn. She quickly floated her way down to the ground floor with the help of her water wings. She didn’t want Pearl to leave. ~Maybe she wants to talk? It doesn’t matter anyway, I want to help. I shouldn’t look a gifted horse in the mouth, right, isn’t that what Steven would say?~

“Pearl.” She tried to keep her composer, tried not to appear overexcited from her presence, she wanted to sooth her, not scare her.  
Pearl jumped anyway, she seemed to come out of a trance, she seemed surprised that Lapis was in front of her. ~Ugh, I’ve got to stop doing that around her, I cannot continue to be distracted with others around.~

“L-Lapis. Um hi, I wanted to know if you wanted to talk? I wanted to apologize about how I acted earlier…” Pearl murmured, averting her eyes.

“Oh, no. No, I mean yes. Yes!” Lapis stammered back, ~You sound stupid, stop talking Lapis.~   
Lapis blew out a breath, calming herself. “Yes. I would like to talk with you if that’s okay. Maybe we could go somewhere else.” Glancing a look at Peridot, who was failing at being inconspicuous.

Pearl nodded her head, she had forgotten that Peridot was still in the barn. ~I need to compose myself, how am I going to go on missions if I can’t pay attention to my surroundings? I need to remain alert, Garnet and Amethyst and Steven are already worried, more now my earlier meltdown…~

By then Pearl had realized that she was outside of the barn, that she had followed Lapis out without thought or comprehension. She didn’t even know how long they had been walking ~Ugh, didn’t I just say I needed to pay attention!~

Pearl cleared her throat, “Thank you for meeting with me Lapis. I appreciate it, I know that it is late in the evening, but I didn’t feel as if it   
was within my best interest to reach out to you until I had time to think.”

“You mean so that you could sneak out of the house without Steven asking where you were going?” Lapis deadpanned, she wasn’t going to allow Pearl to make up excuses. She didn’t care about her reasons, she just wanted Pearl to talk to her.  
Pearl blushed but didn’t correct the blue gem.

Lapis sighed internally. She knew she had to tread carefully, she didn’t want to upset Pearl. She just wasn’t use to extending the olive branch, but she felt a deep pull with herself to help the pale gem. As she had wanted to do all those centuries ago, and the need hadn’t stopped when she was placed in the mirror; or when she was stuck at the bottom of the sea all those months with Jasper as Malachite. Her need to help Pearl was just a strong a pull as to protect Steven. 

“Why didn’t you ever talk to me when you were trapped in the mirror?” Pearls question was abrupt and not something that Lapis expected, it startled her badly enough that she stopped walking. Standing still in the farm land that extended in front of the barn, she stalled for time, trying to come up with a response.

She knew that she just couldn’t ask Pearl to talk to her and expect her to open up. She knew that she had to tell her if she wanted the other gem to confide in her, so that she could maybe help her. ~Maybe we can both get something out of this, maybe helping her, talking to her will help. I’ve been alone for so long, and so has she.~

“Because you needed me…” Lapis let the confession sit open-ended, she sat down in the open field, leaving Pearl standing. She watched the stars, remember her journeys through space, of how free she was then.

Pearl glanced down at Lapis, eyes wide. “I needed you?”

“I remember every one of our talks Pearl. I remember everything you asked me to show you, everything you said to me.” 

Pearl released a breath and seemed to sag next Lapis. She had hoped that Lapis didn’t remember, she didn't even want to remember. “Everything?”

Lapis nodded but knew that Pearl wasn’t staring at her, so she continued. 

“Everything. All of your conversations to me. I wanted to tell you I was there at first, I wanted you to let me out. I was angry in the beginning, I thought that you knew I was in there and I was so mad that you had the audacity to even ask me anything after you trapped me in there. I thought you were heartless.”

Lapis clenched her fingers together, thinking about the dark beginning centuries. She glanced to see Pearl crying into her hand, but she knew that she had to tell her everything.

“And then you asked me to show you White Diamond, and former pearl. Then I recognized you it in your eyes, I knew I knew you from somewhere but it wasn’t until you asked me that question that I remembered, that I realized who you were. Then I was okay.”

She let her eyes turn to look at Pearl and smiled slightly, though she was sure the Pearl couldn’t see it.

“You would talk to me, about what you had been going through, about the gems that you missed every day. About how **amazing** Rose Quartz was. How you needed her, how much wanting her and loving her was a part of you, how much it hurt you. How unworthy you and inadequate you felt in her presence. How you felt that you’d rather love her and she didn’t love you back, than to be where you were. About how she was the first quartz to show you kindness, the first gem that didn’t hurt you.”

Lapis looked up at the stars, thinking back to how she felt all those years ago."I felt like maybe I was helping you, like I wanted to all those centuries ago and I was okay with that, okay being stuck if it meant that I could help, that I could encourage you, even if you didn’t know it was me.”

Lapis felt her form shutter, she hated think about what followed, hated remembering the bleak emptiness.

“And then you just abandoned me, kept me in your gem as if I was nothing, and I was just left in there, forgotten. I wallowed in the loneliness and despair and it consumed me, I wanted someone to blame, and I used you. Then when Steven talked to me I felt like there was hope again, and then he let me out and I saw you, happy and content, I was just so envious; that you found happiness while I was stuck. That you found it without me. I just wanted peace too.” She let a few tears fall from her eyes, she felt so much better, relieved, like a weight had been lifted from her chest. Talking about it helped so much, she was tired of letting the pain devour her.

“I’m so sorry.” Pearl sobbed out into her hands. 

“What!” She yelped turning to face Pearl, “No, no I don’t blame you.” Lapis spoke soothingly, wiping at her eyes. She hated that she caused Pearl so much distress.

“You should! I kept you trapped in there, I forgot about you!” Pearl grasped her hair, “If I just asked Rose, maybe…maybe I could have let you out? How could she do that to you, how could she **let** me do that to you? She **knew** what I went through, I told her! How could she still do that to you? Why wouldn’t anyone else tell me? Why would she use me like that?” Pearl raved, angry at herself and at her fellow Crystal Gems, she felt so betrayed.

“I don’t know Pearl. I can’t tell you that. I do know that she cared about you, she wouldn’t risk a revolution, of being capture or shattering, to get you out of White Diamonds court if she didn’t. I wish I had the courage, but I don’t think you even knew I was there. Maybe she wanted to protect you. You’re so good Pearl, maybe she just didn’t want you to see the real horrors of the war.”

Pearl scoffed wiping her eyes, she was so tired of crying, “I lived in horror, I experienced it from the moment I was created. Every day of my existence in White Diamonds court.”

Pearl and Lapis fell silent, only the occasional sniffle breaking through.

~We always have silences like this. How did we get to talking about me? I wanted to help Pearl, maybe I’m just too selfish. I just wish she’d talk to me. Jasper’s thoughts weigh on me every day; I hope that she didn’t so anything that she schemed as Malachite. I would feel so guilty if she hurt her and I could have helped.~

“I remember you. You know?” Pearl commented.

Lapis head twisted sharply to face her, she found herself looking into Pearls deep arctic blue eyes.

“You came often, a messenger for Blue Diamond; to give White Diamond reports. When the Galaxy Warps weren’t running. Or if it was something private, that was for her eyes only and she didn’t trust another to send it.” Lapis nodded her head, she didn’t think that Pearl would recognized her at all. She was sure that she was just another passing face for the elite pearl.

“I remembered every face that came into White Diamonds Court, especially the ones that showed me kindness. You were one of the only ones that didn’t look at me with pity or revulsion or envy or lust; or the ones that just didn’t see me at all. You looked at me and I felt hope, that there were other gems out there that did not want to hurt me. That there were gems that didn’t want to use me for their gratification, to exploit me. Your eyes got me through some of the darkest times.”

Pearl looked back out into the open sky, tears streaming endlessly from her eyes. ~It was so much easier to see the stars from here than from the beach, no wonder Lapis likes it better up here.~

“But that was a long time ago Lapis, and no matter if we don’t age, we do change. I’ve tried everything I can to get away from that part of my life and while you helped me then I don’t think you can help me with this.”

Lapis nodded to herself, despondent. ~Why won’t she just let me help her! She doesn’t have to be so strong, leaning on others doesn’t make you weak.~

“I understand that you don’t trust me, I know that you don’t believe that I’m being sincere. But I’ve sent so long alone, spent so much time brewing in pain and anger, and I’m tired of it. I want to help you because I want to help myself, Pearl. Helping you might make me feel less like the monster I became when I was Malachite. I want to help because I think that you’re the only one that understands, because I know what you’re going through, and I know you know that! We both deserve happiness after what we’ve been through.” After Lapis said her piece she stood, ready to fly off and leave Pearl there alone.

“Wait!” Pearl choked out beseechingly, reaching out a hand to Lapis but letting it fall before it made contact, tugging it back into her body.   
She hadn’t touched anyone since her encounter with Jasper and she didn’t think she could start now. 

“Please just, just I’m sorry. I’m not ready. I…I…I can’t, not now. Please just don’t tell Steven. Whatever it is you think you know, please don’t tell him. I’ll do anything, just don’t tell him anything, please…I.” Her voice broke off; she couldn’t keep going, grasping for breath that she didn’t need. ~Is this what drowning feels like?~

Lapis sighed, “I’m not going to tell Steven. I promise you. I just want to be here for you Pearl, when you’re ready. Whether you say you need it or not.” With that said Lapis took off into the sky back towards the barn. Leaving Pearl to watch the stars alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next up, time jump.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time jump - 2 weeks after last chapter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: Talk about non-consensual sexual abuse. Intentional miscarriages and forced pregnancies.

They kept making eye contact from across the room. Lapis wasn’t really comfortable being inside the house, she still didn’t fully trust the rest of the Crystal Gems; though it was getting better. But she wanted to be near Steven…and Pearl, so she would endure.

~She looks so tired. Why hasn’t anyone else noticed?~

Pearl was trying to busy herself to avoid Lapis, washing dishes so much that she could see her reflection. ~I look so tired.~ She just wanted to escape into the temple and sleep but knew that it would raise suspicions, and tension. ~It’s not like I can rest anyway. The nightmares are getting so bad; it just seems to better not to sleep at all.~ 

No one had said a word about her outburst over the Faux-Jasper ordeal; Or her behavior in general. Instead, Garnet was going on more solo mission; both Amethyst and Steven were being more considerate about their messes and cleaning up after themselves. Lapis was keeping her distance, like she asked and even Peridot had picked up on the tension in the Temple and avoided it, and everyone in it, at all cost.

There was an elephant in the room and no one was willing to poke it. To talk to her, and Pearl was close to breaking down. She wanted to confide in someone, in _her_ , she was just afraid to take the leap. ~It's getting so hard to keep everything inside.~ Pearl sighed and kept cleaning. 

~Amethyst won’t understand; Garnet is going blame herself. Greg nor Peridot are even close to options; Connie is much too young, and I don’t to be seen as less than in front of her, even if I am. Oh, Steven is so sensitive, and I just couldn’t take the disappointment that he would have when he finds out just how weak I am.~

The house stayed quiet, except for the television and Steven’s commentary, tensions high. Pearl kept cleaning and Lapis played with Steven but kept an eye out for Pearl.

**************************

Lapis was sitting on the couch, Steven had gone to sleep not long ago. Pearl was still in the kitchen puttering around, Lapis thought she was stalling, but she knew not to push the pale pearl. She stood and began to leave, but Pearl turning to face her made her stop. 

Pearl fidgeted with her fingers, she took a breath of courage and hesitantly raised eyes to Lapis, “Would you mind if we talked?”

Lapis nodded her head and followed Pearl out of the door.

Pearl's voice soft, “Do you mind if maybe we walked? I need to get away from the house and I don’t really want to have this conversation here.”

Lapis nodded again, staying quiet, following Pearl’s lead.

As they walked up to the lighthouse, tension filled the air between them. Pearl watched her hands, and Lapis watched her. ~She seems so lost; I wish I could just hold her.~

Pearl made her way to the fence that was fitted to the cliff, looking out over the beach. She could feel Lapis close by, her presence was a comfort. 

“Jasper hurt me.”

Lapis nodded, she knew that. She had her suspicions about what had exactly happened, in the exchange. But she needed them confirmed.

“It hurt so bad Lapis.”

Pearl turned away from the fence, sliding down it to wrap her arms around her long legs. Lapis followed suit, offering her silence and her comfort. ~Maybe she won’t find be flawed, maybe she won’t think it’s my fault. I fought as hard as I could. Maybe she won’t look at me in disgust like I do.~

“And it wasn’t something I wanted. I promise, and then she just left me there. She just…just used me a…and she left!”

Lapis wheezed, her chest tight, she squeezed her eyes shut ~Oh Gems, not that! Please don’t be what I think it is!~

Pearl moaned, curling more into herself. “It hurt so much. It’s never hurt like that before.”

Lapis swallowed hard, “Pearl, please tell me.” She needed to hear Pearl say it, she needed her to…

“She raped me!” Pearl wailed into her knees, her hands grasping at her hair; pulling.

Lapis felt like her world was collapsing, like her gem was cracking. ~No! Why would Jasper do something like that, and to Pearl of all gems?!~

“It’s not fair. I don’t understand why this keeps happening to me! Is there something wrong with me? Why do they always want to hurt me? I just wanted to be free, I just wanted to be happy. She had no right, she had no right! I wanted to do this with someone who I loved and they loved me. It feels like I never left Homeworld, another quartz because they said so, another set of brood because it’s all I’m good for.” 

Pearl started rocking herself back and forth without thought, weeping into her knees; to consumed to notice anything but her guilt and grief.

“Of course it isn’t!” Lapis let one of her hands grasp onto Pearl’s, surprised that Pearl had let her. She used her other hand to gently cupped Pearl’s face, raising Pearls eyes to her own, though Pearl’s eyes were firmly shut. 

Pearl was too afraid to look, she didn’t want to see blame and hatred that she felt she would see in Lapis eyes. Not the eyes that given her hope with a glance, all those centuries years ago in White Diamonds court. ~I would shatter if she finds me disgusting.~ 

“No matter what you were _made_ for, no matter if _they_ say it’s all you’re good for, **no one** has the right to do that to you. And it’s **not your fault**.”

Pearl eyes snapped open, crying harder to see nothing but hurt for her, tenderness and acceptance in Lapis’ gaze. She launched herself at Lapis letting herself be held for the first time since Jaspers attack. ~Thank you.~

****************************

Pearl startled awake from nightmare. Pushing and scrambling away from Lapis’ body, Lapis let her go.

“It’s okay, it’s okay.” Lapis soothed.

When she was that Pearl was becoming calmer she continued, “You’re in the barn, I brought you back after our talk last night. I didn’t think you would like sleep against the fence, and I didn’t think that you wanted me to leave you on the couch in the house, seeing as I can’t get into the temple.”

Pearl nodded her thanks; clearing her throat, “Where’s Peridot?” Her voice was still hoarse crying.

“She left, she went to do something with Amethyst and Steven.” Lapis’ voice was calm and tranquil.

“D-Did she know I was here?”

“No. This is my part of the barn. She knows not to come in here.”

Pearl sighed in relief, then quickly reached her hand to her gem. Lapis was quick to reassure her. “I didn’t see anything, I promise. You stayed against me most of the night, so I couldn’t see anything.”

Pearl blushed but nodded her head. She remembered last night and started to cry, Lapis was startled but she understood just how emotional a time like this was for Pearl.

She couldn’t take hearing her cry, so Lapis wrapped her arms around the pale gem, she knew that Pearl was overthinking, knew that she was hurting deeply. It upset her to see Pearl in so much pain. Physically, she could maybe help, but Pearls scars where emotional, open wounds left to fester after all these centuries. She didn’t know how she could help but she knew she wanted to try. She remembered how it felt when Steven had hugged her, how comforting the embrace felt and knew she could do the same for Pearl. 

Distractedly, she soothed Pearl hair against her temple, stroking her gem. ~I have to help her, I don’t know how, but I never want to see that look in her eye again, she deserves to smile.~ She didn’t know how long they were there, she didn’t care, time mattered little to beings like her. She felt content to just hold Pearl, even if it had to last forever.

**************************

Lapis let her head rest on Pearl’s, they had been laying like this for what she assumed was most of the day. She was happy that Pearl felt comfortable enough to lay in her embrace, had felt comfortable enough for her to sleep next to her. 

She knew that the other gem had awaken long ago, could feel it when Pearl’s grip tightened against her waist. She had so many questions to ask, she didn’t understand all that had happened last night and she needed answers if she was going to support Pearl.

She pulled back, she could feel Pearl her hands around her even more, but she knew that they had to continue their talk. She nudged a finger under Pearls chin, tilting her head to make the pale pearl look at her, then ran her fingers through her hair. She felt Pearl relax into her. 

“Pearl last night you said something about a brood. What did you mean?” she asked hesitantly.  
Pearl sighed, resigned. “I’m carrying…” ~This is it Pearl. This is where she’s going to hate you, where she tells you to leave. It’s not enough to let yourself get raped Pearl. You have to get pregnant too!~

“That’s not supposed to be possible.” The sheer confusion and disbelief in Lapis’ tone almost made Pearl laugh genuinely.

“Well the proof is here…” Stopping her gem from shapeshifting her body so that the small protuberance that had formed from her midsection could be felt against Lapis. She sat up, and Lapis let her go. Pearl didn’t want the other gem to have to feel it more than she had to. ~She must be so disgusted.~ 

Instead, Lapis knelt behind her wrapping her arms around the taller gem, hesitantly placing her hands on Pearl’s extended belly. As if she was trying to see if it was really there or her imagination, she hurt to know that Pearl had to have a reminder of her encounter with Jasper, but she was also in awe. ~I didn’t know that gems could still do this.~ 

Pearl tensed, flinching away and closing her eyes. Lapis went to move away, feeling like she had overstepped a boundary, but Pearl clasped her hands over hers, holding her there. ~I’ve never had someone hold me like this. Is this how it’s supposed to feel?~  
Pearl shook her head and laughed, “Guess I’m even more defective than what we first thought,” her laughter was fake and painful. Even though it had only been 4 weeks since her encounter with Jasper, Lapis felt that the swelling was more noticeable and tangent because of Pearl’s small figure.

“I knew the moment it happened. I was in so much pain and I couldn’t reform, and I knew.”

“Why wouldn’t you, between the fight and…what happened…after why wouldn’t you reform, why didn’t you just get rid of them?” 

Pearl pulled away, turning to face the water gem, rising up so that her knees where tucked under her body, but she didn’t look at Lapis.  
“I didn’t say that I wouldn’t reform. I would have; after I gotten somewhere safe, but I knew that I couldn’t.”

Lapis was confused. ~She couldn’t reform? Why?~

Pearl knew that Lapis needed more information, that she wouldn’t understand. She really didn’t want to explain everything about her life before the Crystal Gems, about her life on Homeworld.

Pearl sighed but continued.

"I don’t know what White Diamond did when she had me created, but my form will not retreat into my gem when I’m carrying.” She distractedly rubbed her hand over her stomach, Lapis sure that Pearl didn’t even knew that she was doing it. “I didn’t exist then, but all of White Diamonds previous pearls had the ability to carry. However, they would hurt themselves until they had no choice to retreat and loose the geodes.”

“That’s how it was supposed to be, if a gem is injured enough, her physical form is meant to destabilize, then it would need all the energy it could to keep that rebuild that form, so they would lose the geodes, because they take up so much energy, that is needed in the reformation. But White Diamond found out and had them crushed, she made new one after new one until she made it so her pearl couldn’t lose them. She got me…aren’t I lucky?” she let out a dry chuckle, “I knew after it happened with Jasper that even if I wanted to miscarry, I couldn’t. I don’t know why, I don’t know how, but I can’t. Stars knows I’ve tried.” Pearl looked down at her stomach, startled by her long fingers placed on her belly, she removed her hand and clenched it into a fist at her side. 

“But, this is what I was made for, (gesturing to her body), this is was why I was created, this is why they didn’t have me crushed when they saw I was **defective** …” Pearl hissed, tapping her gem, “I make good geodes, I was made for her gratification, for her needs and wants. I was made to be used and hurt and to carry geodes. Don’t tell me you didn’t know; you were in Blue Diamonds court.”  
Pearl’s voice dropped off into a moan of pain, swallowing hard to keep the tears at bay. Though it failed, tears where streaming down her cheeks in rivers, falling down into her lap.

Pearls cries steadily got louder, she brought hand to her mouth, trying in vain to trap the onslaught of emotions pouring through her. She had never talked about this to anyone but Rose and she wasn’t there anymore. She felt as if she were being broken.  
Her self-hate, her shame of what she was, of being nothing more than a toy to Homeworld; consumed her. ~I was fooling myself to even think that I am worth something more than to be used by monsters like Jasper, that I’m better than just a pretty trophy.~ 

“But why would she care if her Pearls could produce?” Lapis knew, she heard the gossip of what White did to her pearls, she just never believed it, didn’t understand it. 

Pearl looked up at Lapis incredulously, “So she could breed them, Lapis. There are gems that kindergartens nor factories could produce, not in mass production, at least not with the gems being correct. At least back when I was there. White Diamond wanted those, she didn’t want common. She wanted to be better than the other Diamonds, to be revered and worshiped by the lowers about how amazing and mysterious she was.”

Lapis nodded her head, she knew, she had heard the rumors and whispers of awe about White Diamond. The most elusive Diamond; how lucky one would be to in her presence, let alone in her court. Lapis never cared for it, she was a messenger, she knew all of the Diamonds, and while White was elegant and graceful, she was icy and cruel. She knew that most in her court either walked in fear, or were just as cruel. 

“I knew the rumors, heard of her cruelty. About how she had some of the rarest gems, some speculated, gossiped about how she did it, some implied that she bred her court, how if they couldn’t produce they were crushed. But no one was able to be able to do it, that it was taken from our gems, I knew enough of the higher court and what they did, to each other and their pearls and I never once heard one could carry. I thought that it was a myth, that they were lying. And even if She still did it, she was Diamond, no one went against them. Not without being broken.” 

Pearls thoughts were so jumbled and disoriented that she felt as if she was going of kilter, too lost in thought, to wrapped in her past, that she didn’t even hear Lapis’ explanation. She never wanted to be in that place again, never feel that way again. ~Yet here I am, in the same situation. Still too weak to fight, just a pearl to use and breed and discard until the next time.~ 

She seemed to forget that Lapis was still there until the blue gem wrapped her arms around her. She stiffened in the embrace, but relaxed when the gem did nothing but hug her. Pearl wrapped her arms tightly around the embrace, soaking in the security that the other gem was giving. She couldn’t remember the last time she felt so safe in someone else’s arms.

“I’m so sorry that any of that happened to you, Pearl. I’m sorry that Jasper hurt you and I’m so sorry that they did that too you back then. I’m sorry that I didn’t protect you back then, like I wanted. But I want to be here for you, if you’ll let me?”

Pearl stiffened, but eventually nodded her head, squeezing tighter against the blue gem, sinking herself back into Lapis seeking the comfort she so readily offered.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set a couple days after, the whole Jasper reveal. A little fluff, a little angst.

Days later found Pearl and Lapis in the barn. Pearl was curled onto her side facing Lapis, the only thing touching was Pearl’s hand grasping hers.

Lapis noticed that the other gem seemed more tired than she had the previous days. She also noticed that the pale pearl was once again hiding her stomach. 

She knew that Pearl was emotionally exhausted after their conversation days earlier and didn’t want to push the fragile pearl. She knew that they still had a lot of bumps a head of them, and she didn’t think it was necessary to overwhelm the gem.  
“Why don’t you like to be in the Temple? If you don’t mind me asking?”

Pearl smiled at the water gem, though it was strained and weary. “I don’t have a problem being in the Temple. But the others would become concerned. They’re all so worried about my mental state. I haven’t been on a mission since _her_ , and I haven’t even tried to convince Garnet otherwise, I don’t nag or yell at Steven and Amethyst for making a mess, I no longer teach Connie as much. If I just spent the whole day in my room, it would cause a panic, even more than it already has, they don’t need any more reason to stress over me.”

Lapis nodded her head in empathy. ~She so selfless, after everything she’s been through how can she think more about others than herself.~

“Anyway Lapis, my room is full of water. I also know how uncomfortable you are around the other gem. I didn’t want to inconvenience you more than I already have.”

Lapis sat up, Pearl rose as well, looking into Lapis’ eyes, trying to see what she had done to make the smaller gem pull away from her. She didn’t think that her words would cause offence. ~Good job Pearl, anger the only gem that knows and cares.~

Lapis slowly reached her hand to cup at Pearls face, she knew that Pearl was still wary of contact, she mainly let Pearl initiate it, or asked permission. She didn’t want to overstep the pale gems boundaries like she had the other day. Even if it had felt amazing. 

“Pearl you are not an inconvenience, I want to help you, I want to support you. I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t want to.” 

Pearl started to tear up, but hastily swiped her eyes, and nodded her head. ~I don’t think I’ve cried this much in my entire existence.~ 

“But thank you, for considering my issues with water. Anyways I’m getting better with the other gems, you and Steven have both helped with that, I want to put the past behind me. I can’t do that if I still hold on to old grudges.” Lapis smiled gently at Pearl, before guiding them both down onto the mattress that she had found in the barn for Pearl to lay on. 

She hoped that maybe she could get the other gem to sleep before she returned to the Temple. 

*********************** 

Lapis smiled at Pearl a few nights later, as she watched the pale gem yawn as she tucked Steven in. The boy had spent a long day at Funland with Connie and Amethyst.

~She’s amazing.~ Lapis startled, ~Amazing! No, this is Pearl. Pearl who just went through something horrific at the hands of a brute that you basically sent here to hurt them. you can think she’s amazing, even if she is. _Stop it Lapis!_ Just help her, it’s not about **you** , it’s about **her** , she deserves someone to be there for her, not to use her and…~ Lapis’ internal tirade was interrupted when she felt a hand on hers. 

“Lapis, are you okay?” Pearl hesitantly touched the water gems hand, ~I hope there’s nothing wrong with her. If there is maybe I can help. After all she’s done, listening to me, it’s the least I can do.~

Lapis startled, she hadn’t realized that the pale gem had made her way down to her. Raising her eyes to look into the concern face of the other gem. ~Good job, Lapis you worried her!~ 

She blushed and cleared her throat, “Sorry, I’m fine. It just I was thinking, um thinking that m…maybe we can stay at the Temple tonight, Peridot’s building meep morphs today in the and it’s pretty loud.”

Pearl nodded, still concerned, “Only if you’re sure Lapis.” ~Maybe she’s just worried about the water. It can’t be easy for her.~

Lapis nodded her head quickly, squeezing Pearl’s hand gently, “I’ll be fine. I promise.”

“Okay, but if we need to leave, please let me know. I don’t want to force you into anything.”

Pearl gripped tightly at the hand in hers, “I know Pearl,” Lapis gently rubbed her hand against the pale gems long fingers.

Pearl lead Lapis hesitantly to the Temple door, the gem on her forehead activating the gem on the door, opening the door to reveal the water filled room inside. Lapis hesitated at the entrance, Pearl watched on with silent concern, ~Here goes nothing.~

Lapis heard the soothing instrumental music, saw the endless looking water falls as they stood on the walkway before the giant pool of water, and looked on in awe. 

She didn’t feel as panicked in here as she did with other pools of water, especially the ocean, it felt like she was in Pearl, wrapped in her soothing personality. It embodied everything that she thought of the tall gem ~Clean, soothing, graceful, and never-ending depths. Just like Pearl.~ 

“It’s really peaceful in here. I can see why you like it.” She finally said, turning to face the pale gem that looked on in apprehension, Pearl blushed and replied with a ‘thank you’ before leading Lapis onto the water.

Lapis followed, still a little uneasy, Pearl lead her to her fountain that help her ‘bedroom’, before releasing her hand.

“No one ever been in here before.” Pearl blushed again before parting the water and leading the blue gem inside.

Lapis looked around, “You have a bed.”

Pearl nodded. Lapis was confused, “But you said that you didn’t know how to sleep before Steven taught you. So why do you have it?”

Pearl blushed fiercely before looking away, “Humans use it for other means, and some gems on Homeworld have something similar. For both it’s mainly used for recreational purposes if not sleeping.”

It finally dawned on Lapis what Pearl was referring to and her blush was equally as fierce, she cleared her throat to combat the awkward silence that had fallen over the two, “But you haven’t used it for um…”  
Pearl’s blush, if possible got even more severe, before interrupting Lapis loudly, “No, no! I never had anyone to, um with. I…I use it mainly for trying to sleep and meditation.”

Pearl gently got onto the bed, and Lapis instinctively followed. ~We always seem to end up on one bed or another.~

Pearl and Lapis laid in their normal positions, laying on their side, hand clasped between them, Lapis watched Pearl drift into she, her hand going slack under hers. Lapis intrigued to notice that Pearl still had not shifted her stomach. ~Why?~

************************

Pearl awoke later, for the first time, not in a panic, she sighed and snuggled back down into the cushiony comfort of her pillow. Her eyes popped when she realized that it was not her pillow that she was laying on, but Lapis’ body. ~Oh my gems.~ She rolled away quickly, blushing brightly. ~I cannot believe I just _snuggled_ that part of Lapis’ anatomy.~

Lapis watched on in equal parts amusement and embarrassment, ~I’ve never had anyone rub themselves against me like that.~ she blushed lightly.

Pearl then realized that sometime in her state of relaxation that she had stopped shapeshifting her body, so her prominent expecting stomach as showing. She was horrified and quickly altered her figure back to her flat stomach, draining the energy that she had gain in her ‘hibernation’ mode, of her sleeping. ~That’s never happened before. Lapis must have been so offended.~

Lapis frowned when she saw Pearl shapeshift her stomach. ~Why does she keep doing that? It must be so bad for her body, and energy consuming.~

“You don’t have to hide from me you know?” Lapis gently pointed out, gesturing to Pearls abdomen. “I know that it takes so much energy from your gem that you need right now.”

Pearl nodded ~She doesn’t think its revolting?~ 

“Why did you think that I wouldn’t be okay with it?” Her voice curious.

Pearl shifted to lay closer to the other gem, “I just thought that maybe you would be offended.” Pearl whimpered lightly

“Offended?” Lapis asked, she was confused, and a little offended that Pearl would think so little of her. ~Did I give her the impression that I didn’t want to see them? I thought that back at the barn when she first showed me that it would show her that it didn’t matter to me.~

Pearl glanced down at her stomach. “I just didn’t want you to have a reminder of what Jasper did to me. I just, I love them so much already no matter how they were made but I didn’t want to upset you. That maybe you think that I was flaunting them even though they caused you discomfort.” Pearl shrugged the one shoulder that wasn’t pressed against the bed.

“You shouldn’t care what I want Pearl, and you should know that I just want you safe and happy, you doing this constantly is going to hurt your form. That’s not something that I want.” Lapis gently caressed Pearl's pale cheek.

Pearl nodded against Lapis' palm, letting her shapeshifting cease; she breathed a sigh of relief. Even in the short amount of time it still caused a lot of pain and discomfort to hold her form like that. It made to geodes press against each other, making it uncomfortable to move. She could also already feel a gain in energy. 

They both stared at Pearl’s descended stomach, realizing just how much it had grown in just a few days. ~How long does this even take?~

Lapis finally worked up the courage to ask, “Can I?” she blushed a deeper blue, gesturing again to Pearl’s stomach.  
Pearl seemed startled. She had never had anyone want to touch her like this, except for Lapis in the barn. Most on Homeworld had little interest in being affectionate, or even acknowledging that she was carrying, especially not White Diamond. She was a breeding tool, nothing more. 

Lapis gently placed her hand against Pearls stomach, she could feel the circular and oval shaped formations that rested inside. “Do you know how many that you’re having? And when they’ll be here?”

Pearl shook her head, and began speaking as if she was reading from a manual, “They will be gestating for another 2 months of Earth’s rotation, and then after I will take about two weeks after they are birthed to hatch, though they vary depending on the gem.” 

She stroked her stomach along next to Lapis’ hand, feeling the hard structures just beneath, “I can’t feel them like that, I knew that they  
were there when it happened, and I know what to do for them, and vaguely how to take care of them; it’s almost like I have a manual written into my gem. Like know your cut and facet number, or what kind of gem you are when you first emerge. But someone else would have to feel for them, I can’t get down far enough to feel them, they hide, and even then it’s just an estimation. Most didn’t care how many I produced, just what I produced.”

Pearl swallowed hard, “You can if you want, it would be good to know how many. To be prepared.”

Lapis frowned, “Are you sure? You don’t have to do this. We can just wait, like you said it will be just an estimation.”

Pearl shook her head, “No its okay. I can do this. I want to know; I’ve never been able to do this before.”

Lapis nodded hesitantly, “I’ll need you to guide me, I’m not sure of what to do.”

Pearl swallowed, “You’ll have to press on my lower abdomen, near my pelvis, kind of hard, and then manipulate around to move the geodes around.” Pearl timidly rolled onto her back, moving her tunic up her abdomen so her pregnant belly was exposed for the first time; to anyone’s gaze.

“Okay.” Lapis rose above her, and pressed her hands gently on Pearl’s abdomen, pressing down lightly. She pulled back when she heard Pearl whine. “Are you okay?”

Pearl nodded quickly, “I’m fine, just a little sensitive. You can continue. You’ll have to press a little harder.”

Lapis kept a vigilant eye of Pearl’s reactions, pressing her fingers harder into around Pearl’s upper abdomen, “I feel one, um no two, wait three…”

She heard Pearl whimper again, and began moving her fingers away, “Don’t stop, you’ll lose your place, it’s okay I’m fine, I can handle it.”  
Lapis looked at Pearl skeptically, but Pearl’s gaze was resolute. She nodded and pressed again, moving to another place on Pearl’s abdomen, “I feel another, so that makes 4. Maybe 5, I’m not sure; this might just be a big one.” 

Lapis watched Pearls face, saw her grimace again, she felt doubtful, that maybe Pearl was pushing herself to hard. “Pearl are you sure you’re okay? I think we should stop.”

“Just do it Lapis. I can handle it, please.” Pearl grunted out.

“Okay…I feel another I think, its lower down. I’m going to move just a little further. Okay Pearl?”

Pearl nodded, her eyes closed tightly.

Lapis pressed down in Pearls lower pelvic region, as gently as she could, “I think that I feel a six one…”

Pearl whimpered and cried out, “Please don’t. **Stop!** ”

Lapis scrambled back, startled. “I’m sorry, I didn’t realize I was pushing that hard.”

“No please don’t!” Pearl started thrashing.

She realized that Pearl wasn’t crying out to her in pain, that she wasn’t crying out to her at all. “Pearl, it’s me Lapis. Please, you’re not there, come back to me. No one’s going to hurt you. No one’s going to hurt you.” 

Lapis crooned but kept her distance, berating herself in her head, ~I knew this was a bad idea, I should have just told her _‘no’_. I knew she was going to push herself, I should have just trusted my judgement.~

Pearl curled into herself, trapped, feeling like she was back under Jasper, back to being violated, trapped in darkness unable to get out. Then she heard something. Almost a whisper, felt like it was calling out to her. ‘No one’s going to hurt you’

“Lapis? Lapis? Lapis!” Pearl kept crying out. She was sure that it was her voice that she heard, calling out to her from the darkness.

“I’m here Pearl, come back to me. I’m here, no one’s going to hurt you.”

Pearls eyes cracked open, fearing she would be back in the kindergarten, but instead she saw deep concerned blue eyes staring at her from across her bed.

She sat up, crawling quickly on hands and knees to Lapis. Curling her tall body into Lapis’ cling to her for safety. Lapis rocked her gently, repeating her mantra in Pearl’s ear, letting her lips graze Pearls gem. 

~I’ve got you. Nothing’s going to harm you, not while I’m around.~


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Time jump, about six weeks after Pearl’s encounter with Jasper. About 5 weeks after her initial contact with Lapis Lazuli. So about 2 weeks after last chapter.
> 
> A/N: Scene before the fight between Jasper and Amethyst, Steven and Connie is similar to that of Gem Hunt

Lapis and Pearl where in the kitchen, close together, talking in hushed tones.

“You need to tell them Pearl.” Lapis was getting exasperated, she had been cautiously trying to talk the pale gem about this for weeks, ~Two weeks to be exact.~ Though they had been making progress, this was something she wasn’t budging about. 

Pearl never shifted her physical form when she was around Lapis, always leaving herself in her natural, pregnant state. They had talked plenty about her pregnancy, of how she was feeling in the moment, though she really talked about what would happen afterwards. 

But Lapis wanted Pearl to tell the other gems. Lapis was sure that they would support her and sure that they would care and love her regardless. Lapis had still not gotten to the root of the problem. They had had the discussion several times over the past weeks.

_***Flashback (not projected by Pearl’s gem)*** _

_They were sitting by the Lighthouse, gazing at the rising sun cresting over the horizons. Pearl was tired of being confined to the barn and the Temple, it was slowly driving her out of her gem. She felt like she was coming a part. ~I haven’t left this place since Jasper attacking me, it’s been over 4 weeks. Over one month of nothing, I think I’m going to go to of my gem. How can I show everyone that fine, that I’m okay if I can’t even do my duty.~_

_Lapis was letting Pearl stew in her angry, she had already been on the other side of Pearl's tirade, knew that she was feeling cooped up and trapped. But for the first time she was happy, glad that the pale gem was safe, especially if she could see her. ~What did Amethyst say that Pearl use to be like with Steven, oh yeah a Bird Mom. Am I becoming one of those?~_

_Lapis shook her head in response to her own question. ~No, way. I just want Pearl here with me, I feel so safe with her, and I think she feels the same with me. I don’t know what I’d do if I had to go days without her like Steven said that the gems sometimes did.~ Lapis blushed to herself._

_She heard Pearl grunt out in frustration, she sympathized with the other gem. But she knew that even if she could go out and fight with the Crystal Gems that she would have to stop when she got further along in her pregnancy._

_Speaking of which…_

_Lapis turned to face Pearl, she aware that she could be about to face Pearls irritability that had surfaced her pregnancy developed and made her more uncomfortable. She cleared her throat, stalling the conversation that they were about to have._

_“Pearl.” Lapis’ first call went unanswered “Pearl, Pearl.” She reached out, knowing that she won’t get a response when Pearl was so deep in thought. She lightly touched her Pearl's hand, feeling it flinch automatically, before it relaxed._

_Pearl looked up into Lapis’ eyes, ~She so patient with me, I’m so glad that I have her in my life. I don’t know what I would do without her,~_

_“Pearl, when are you going to tell the gems?” Lapis’ voice was hesitant._

_Pearls world stopped, her view darken till only a small pinpoint of light was seen, she felt like she was falling. Lapis lightly caressed she cheek, seeing that she was losing the taller gem._

_“Pearl. It’s okay. You’re okay.” Lapis crooned, ~I didn’t think it would be this bad. I didn’t think that it would cause this big of a reaction.~_

_Pearl shook her head, her ‘sorry’ was whimpered quietly. She let her arms cover her stomach, Lapis thought it almost looked protective._

_Pearl shook her head again repeating herself, “I can’t, not yet, give me some time Lapis, just not yet. I can’t, not yet.”_

_Lapis wrapped herself around the pale gem, “I’m sorry. It’s okay, I’m sorry. You don’t have to tell them.” Lapis kept whispering reassurances, caressing Pearl’s pale gem with her lips._

_Pearl laid in her arms, almost catatonic. To lost in thought to hear anything but her own screams._

Lapis had found that Pearls hesitance went deeper than she was telling even her, she didn’t want the tall gem getting her hurt and blaming herself if she lost the geodes.

“Please, Pearl. They’re going to need to know soon.”

“I know, okay. But not right now, Jaspers still out there, doing stars knows what. There has been an increase of corrupted gems. We still have to worry about Yellow Diamond and Homeworld. And regardless of being bubbled we have to keep an eye out for The Cluster…we have so many things to do.” 

“Exactly! What happens if Amethyst or Garnet run into Jasper. Or if you get hurt on a mission.”

“They can handle themselves Lapis. Regardless if I get hurt they be okay, it’ll take a very serious injury to make me lose them, and we have Rose’s fountain.” She dismissed the argument. 

She didn’t want to let them know. She didn’t want them to look at her differently, and regardless of Lapis’ encouragement Pearl still felt vulnerable and ashamed. Pearls shaking hand was the only telling sign that she was affected by the conversation.

“Ugh. So could you! You have more experience then both of them and look what happened to you.” Lapis snapped back in hushed tones, running her hands through her hair.

Pearl flinched back at the tone, Lapis quickly realizing her tone calmed down, taking the pale gems trembling hand within her own.

“I’m sorry. And yes they’ll be okay but what about you, if you get so hurt that your supposed to reform, but can’t. The gems are going to start asking more questions Pearl, are you ready for that? Or what happens when you get hurt to the point where you have no choice to reform and you lose them, I know you care about them so much. They’re already suspicious that something more happened with _her_. You can’t keep this a secret for very much longer Pearl. You’re already using so much energy trying to keep your form shifted so that they don’t notice the geodes and eventually they’ll need to use that energy too. I’m just worried for you Pearl.” Lapis replied earnestly, looking up into the taller gems blue eyes. 

Pearl squeezed Lapis’ hand back in reassurance. Eyes watering, she breathed deeply, centering herself. “I promise I’ll tell them soon. I-I…I just need a little more time Lapis.”

Pearl heard the Temple door swish open, snapping her eyes towards Garnet they both released each other’s hands quickly. Though Pearl was sure that Garnet saw anyway, she saw everything.

Unbeknownst to the gems in the kitchen, that they were the center of another conversation.

In Steven’s room up the stairs, Amethyst, Steven and Connie peered at the pair in the kitchen as inconspicuously as possible, watching their movements and expressions, seeing as they couldn’t hear them. They looked to each other in confusion, unaware of the friendship that the two gems shared. 

They turned simultaneously to Peridot, hoping she could explain the budding friendship between the water gem and tall gem but the green seemed oblivious, engrossed in the television. 

“What? Why are you staring at me?” Peridot demanded, looking up from the television; trying to be tough but it seemed self-conscious.

“What do you mean **what**? What’s goin on with them?” Amethyst asked in a hushed whisper, trying to flail her arms inconspicuously arm the gems in the kitchen.

“Aw yes. It seems that my barn buddy, Lapis Lazuli and your Pearl are in what appears to be a relationship of the platonic nature, started as of 49 of your Earth rotations ago. It looks as if they have developed a strong connection over their previous experience and interactions with Jasper. As well as a nostalgia as they two of the oldest gems from Homeworld, also because of their affection for Steven. Though I have not been able to gather all the necessary data because they tend to spend most of their time in places that I am restricted to follow, and am unaware of their meeting points.” She answered absent-mindedly, trying to see the point in the television series and why the pieces of organic food were crying.

“I didn’t realize that they had been hanging around each other so much.” Steven commented absent-mindedly.

“That is because it has been in covert.” Peridot pointed out, still immersed in the rather fascinating television show, though Camp Pining Hearts was much more complex and entertaining. “They tend to only meet late at night, when your human civilizations experience ‘sleep’, or extremely early in the morning or if one, if not all, of you are preoccupied. She also leaves in the mornings before anyone is awake in this house, seeing as you tend to ‘sleep in’.”

“Oh, but why would they hide it, it’s not like you or anyone would object. Right Steven?” Connie asked.

Steven shook his head in the negative, he was just as confused as Connie.

Silence returned, Steven, Connie and Amethyst all lost in thought, wondering if Lapis and Pearl’s friendship really had something to with Jasper and why the pale pearl hadn’t talked to them if it was. 

But regardless Steven was overjoyed, happy that his Beach Summer Fun Buddy and one of the gems were finally starting to get along. He had seen the little bit of progress that Pearl was having, how she was less anxious and jumpy, though she still seemed tired. He hoped that maybe Lapis was the reason why. 

They were jolted out of their thoughts by the Temple doors opening to let Garnet through. They made their way down the stairs, Peridot scrambling behind them.

**************************

Garnet exited through the temple doors, her entrance made all conversations cease, all the gems and human in the house looked to her expectantly. “Everyone stays paired up, no one searches for Jasper alone, and no one goes gem recovering alone from now on, we don’t want to chance any run ins. Steven, Connie, Amethyst; I’ve sensed corrupted gems in the Great North. They should not to be a problem, it would be good test of skill for Connie and Steven.”

“Aww man, but its cold up there now, why can’t P go with them?” Amethyst huffed a complaint.

“Because, Pearl is going to stay here with Lapis and Peridot to keep an eye on the Temple.” Garnet gave Amethyst a stern look, that even Amethyst recognized, through her shades.

“What! I was not built for surveillance!” Peridot screeched, but her protest went unheard.

“Woo, okay. I don’t want Temple duty; I’m all for tracking in the snow,” she turned to the two children standing there expectantly, “Get your snow gear ready kiddos, wes goin huntin!”

Pearl was visibly startled, appalled. It had been months since she had done anything outside of Beach City, she needed to get out of the Temple. She thought that Garnet would see the progress she was making and trust her on a mission, “Wait, what! Are you sure that that’s the best idea, maybe I could go with Steven, or maybe go with you. You said to be extra cautious, w…with Jasper roaming around.”

Pearl felt like she was pleading, but she just wanted to be of some use, she felt as if they were walking on eggshells around her because of her previous outbursts, and her all around despondent behavior. They were treating her like they thought she was weak.

“I can handle myself.” Garnet replied offhandedly. She did it because she knew the older gem was having trouble and didn’t want to cause her anymore stress than she was obviously already under.

“Oh, right.” Pearl nodded. She turned away towards Lapis, wanting to seek comfort in her embrace, she felt like she had been struck. ~Maybe she does realize just how weak I really am.~ 

Garnet realized that Pearl had taken her comment more seriously than she expected her to, she wanted to say something but knew that it was not the time nor the place. She sighed to herself and made her way to the warp pad, but before she warped away she called out to Steven, “Be careful Steven, listen to Amethyst instructions, both of you.”

She glanced once more at Pearl behind her visor before warping off.

**************************

Steven, Amethyst and Connie saw themselves surrounded by mammoth-like corruptions. Amethyst pulled her whip out of her gem, as 

Connie ready her sword, taking the stance that her mentor, Pearl, showed her. Steven pulled his shield, readying himself to fight alongside Connie.

But before they could Jasper emerged, charging not at them but at the corruptions, she kicked one so that it landed on its back, jumping on top of it pulling at the gem on its chest with brute strength causing its form to destabilize and retreat back into its gem. The action startled the other corruption so that it took off in the opposite direction. 

Jasper huffed in frustration, but kept the gem in her fist. She then glanced and noticed them, she could help but through a taunt their way. 

“Oh, look it’s the overbaked runt this time, it was hoping for another run in with the pearl.” She chuckled out stalking towards them.

“Yea well at least I don’t look like a big Cheetos puff!” Amethyst snarled back pulling her whip from her gem.

Jasper ignored her, turning her attention towards Steven, who had produced his bubble around himself and Connie. “Always with your defective slackers aren’t you Rose. Hmm, how’s your pretty pearl, I hope she still remembers our encounter. I still hold very fond memories myself.” She said suggestively but it was lost on the young half-gem.

“What did you mean? What did you really do to Pearl?” Steven yelled out

Jasper guffawed and shook her head but before she could goad him again Amethyst struck.

Amethyst struck her whip at Jasper, but it had no effect, she tried again, using two whips this time. But it didn’t faze Jasper. Amethyst swung so that her whips wrapped around the other gem and let bolts of energy surge up to meet Jasper. 

Amethyst stared in shock as it did absolutely nothing to her, Jasper laughed arrogantly.

“I don’t have time for this, or you.” Jasper flexed her muscles, breaking the whips. She then gathered them in one hand and tugged it forward, throwing Amethyst away from Steven and Connie.  
Jasper looked at Steven, who she still thought was Rose Quartz. 

“Let your pearl know that I hope to have a repeat performance with her in the future.” Jasper leered and then left just as quickly as she came. More than likely to capture the corrupted gem that had gotten away. 

The rest looked at each other in bewilderment, none of them could understand why Jasper just left and even more what exactly the massive gem was referring to about Pearl.

**************************

Pearl was puttering around the house, cleaning. Lapis had returned to the barn to drop off Peridot and to retrieve something that she said was a ‘surprise’ for her. It had always token her mind off her troubles, she hated that the Crystal Gems going on missions without her. More she hated the they seemed alright without her; like she was expendable. 

She was still having trouble with her self-worth, she knew that. ~No matter what Lapis or Rose say I don’t ever think that I’ll be able to fully realize that I’m more than just a pearl if I’m always treated like one, this treat me like I’m fragile, like I can’t do anything, leave me to clean and do nothing but wallow in this city,~ she knew that she was thinking irrationally that the gems didn’t really feel this way but she couldn’t help it. ~What’s going to happen when they found out what Jasper did to me; they’re going to hate me. They’ll want me to leave, they won’t want anything to do with me or my gemlings. Stevens going to be so disappointed in me, how am I supposed to protect him like Rose wanted if I can’t even protect myself.~

She hated being left in her thoughts, without Lapis there it felt like she was drowning in her self-hate, in her insecurities. She despised having to depend so much on the other gem for stability, fearing that the gem would see her worthlessness and leave, leaving her all alone, once again. 

She sat on the couch, leaning her gem into her hands, groaning in displeasure and discomfort. Leaning back onto the couch, she grabbed the throw blanket resting their ~All this stress isn’t helping, maybe I just need to rest. I’ll just rest until Lapis gets back, she’ll wake me when she arrives.~

**************************

When they returned they were surprised to find Pearl asleep on the couch, covered in a blanket. They looked at each other in shock, until Connie noticed the time.

“Oh my, it’s so late. My parents are going to be so worried about me. I have to go. Bye Steven, Bye Amethyst.” Connie rushed out, leaving Amethyst and Steven to watch Pearl…

Amethyst shock face turned to a smirk of mischief, she turned to face Steven. 

Steven knew that look, he had seen it on Amethyst before and knew it would only lead to trouble and he started to shake is he no.

Amethyst smile only got brighter, “Lets watch!” She needed something to cheer her up after her encounter with Jasper.

Steven began shaking his head in earnest “Amethyst no, we shouldn’t…this is like an invention of privacy or something, right.”

Amethyst shrugged it off, “Come on Ste-man. It’s probably going to be just like the Greg and pizza one; or just as hilarious. Or maybe it’ll tell us exactly what Jasper meant when she talked about Pearl and you’ll get your answers.” Settling near the couch Amethyst patted the spot next to her, enticing Steven to join, ~this is going to be bad~ was his last thought 

What they didn’t know was that the nightmare they were about to witness would be a lot more than **bad** , and that the answers that Steven had sought should have been best left in the dark.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Immediately following the last chapter.
> 
> A/N: In the flashbacks of Pearls dreams her thoughts can be heard by the people watching.
> 
> WARNING: NON-CON below. Mentions of GEM suicidal thoughts/actions. Angst.

Amethyst and Steven didn’t even notice when Garnet came back from her mission, they were to crying though they seemed not to notice it, they were to riveted and horrified by Pearl’s dream. 

Garnet glanced to see why Pearl’s dream had induced such responses and found herself equally distraught and captivated.

Without Pearl’s knowledge her dream was showing them a horror that she never wanted them to experience.

_“I’ll make sure that you’ll never be able to touch **Rose Quartz** and her defective form again with seeing my face, without feeling me,” Jasper raised on meaty paw and placed in on the fabricated pale blue shirt with the small yellow star, and ripped it off in one tug…_

_Instinctively, Pearl wrapped her arms to cover her chest, dread filling her body. ~Please don’t let her do this to me.~_

_Jasper wanted her to hurt, she wanted to cause her pain…she threw Pearl away from her, towards the ground. She wanted to make sure she was in enough pain to debilitate her but not cause her to retreat into her gem._

_Pearl rolled onto her back, trying to crawl backwards, one arm still covering her chest. fear propelling her to move away from Jasper. “You don’t have to do this, please think, you don’t have to do this!”_

_She craved her screams and pleas, smirking her stalked closer. She reached down to grasp one of Pearl’s flailing legs, tugging her forwards…_

Pearl struggled on the couch, trying to push away from the phantom attacker.

Garnet raised her hand to her mouth, all of the gems stared in shock. Everything had stopped within the Temple. No one came to her aid, no one woke her. Stuck as if they were imbedded to the wooden floors.

They only noticed Lapis’ at the doorway because of the ‘thump’ of a heavy object hitting the wooden floor. She stopped, seeing the hologram protruding from Pearls gem. 

She wanted to run in and wake Pearl, but she couldn’t. ~She’s going to be distraught when she walks up, but this needed to happen, this had to happen. She wasn’t going to tell them herself. Maybe this is for the best?~ 

She felt the tears coursing down her face unheeded, she rooted to the spot just as entranced as the others. She knew it was going to get a lot worse.

_~Please don’t do this! Please don’t do this!~_

_Pearl's keening echoed off the walls of the kindergarten, and in the ears of those in the house. Her body in so much shock that she stiffened, unable to move until she felt Jasper pull out and push back into within her body harder._

_She pushed at Jasper’s form, she felt like she was being ripped apart._

_“Stop! Stop!” She hit and scratched and clawed everywhere she could.  
Jasper laughed, grasping at Pearl’s throat, thrusting harder. Groaning above her, “You feel so good, better than any pearl I’ve ever had.”_

_“Stop. Stop Jasper stop, please!”_

_As a last resort she reached for her gem, trying to summon her weapon, hoping that the trauma wouldn’t hinder her, her gem glowed weakly but it was enough to alert the towering gem above her, even with her eyes closed._

_Jasper growled and placed one massive hand over her gem, eyes flashing, staring Pearl straight in eyes. “Try that again and you regret it.” She leaned down further placing her mouth near Pearl’s ear. “I’ll go to your pitiful base and destroy everyone, break everyone and make you watch and then I’ll take you over and over and let their shards big into you.” Jasper started thrusting harder._

_Pearl shrieked in anguish, ~Please make her stop! Please! I’m so sorry Steven, Garnet, and Amethyst, Lapis and Peridot and Greg. I’m sorry Rose. It hurts so much. I’m sorry, I’m not strong enough. I can’t do anything.~ She felt like she was losing herself, ~Maybe she’ll just crush me if I retreat, then the pain will be over.~_

_Jasper suddenly stopped, pulling out of her, “You’re not getting away from me that easy. You make yourself stay or I’ll go and use every last one of them until I’m satisfied.”_

_She grasped Pearl’s arm, turning over onto her stomach, Pearl dragged herself on hands and knees, trying to scramble away, “Hahaha, not so fast.”_

_Jasper draped her heavy form back over Pearl, pushing her back to the ground, forcing her appendage, back into her again, Pearl’s wail was muffled into the ground._

_Pearl couldn’t move. She could feel herself being pushed harder and harder into the ground with every unwanted insertion of Jasper’s member, her hulky form almost crushing Pearl beneath her mass._

_~Please, just be over. Please just shatter me.~_

_She felt like she had been there for hours, she could barely see anything from under Jasper’s immense form. Felt the fight leave her, though her screams of agony continued, forced out. ~I can’t win. I’m so weak, I’m too weak. How could she do this to me? How can I just let her do this to me?~_

_She felt Jasper’s thrust become erratic, uncoordinated. ~No, no please. Take it out. Take it out.~_

_“ **TAKE IT OUT! NO. NO!** ” Pearl pleaded into the ground, trying to raise herself to be heard, whether Jasper heard or not, she didn’t stop._

_Pearl fought with renewed vigor, ~No, no. I won’t do this again, I won’t let them do this to me again.~_

_She tried to force herself from under Jasper, trying to dislodge her. “No! No! Don’t please **don’t**!”_

_“You have no say, your made to be used, so take it!” Jasper pushed herself harder into Pearl, letting herself go._

_Pearl felt Jasper spent herself inside her, and in that moment she knew, that her seed had taken root, **“No! No!”**_

_Jasper rolled to her side, spent and victorious. She stood up cleaning herself and donned a new outfit without thought._

_Pearl curled into herself, unable to move, in too much pain to do anything but shake and whimper. She hoped that the quartz was done, that she would just leave her to die by herself. ~I promised myself that this was never going to happen again, why they always want to hurt me. What is wrong with me?~_

_Jasper crouched down reaching for Pearl, who flinched back and whimpered louder, she chuckled joyously, happy that she had broken the pearl._

_She grasped at her neck hauling her up, ~This is it. She going to break me.~_

_Jasper looked up and down at Pearl, pleased with her work, “Tell Rose Quartz I said hello.” Before dropping her and walking off to the warp pad._

Pearl whimpered in her sleep, curling into herself, shifting her projection to face the wall towards Amethyst.  
Amethyst jumped out of the way almost afraid to be touched by the hologram. The rest of the gems eyes followed almost automatically, unable to remove their gazes.

Pearl’s crying continued. She stayed stuck within her nightmare, unable to pull herself out. 

_Pearl staggered to her feet, limping heavily across from the warp pad to Rose’s Fountain. But that is not where she went, she stumbled behind it, falling to the ground._

_“Where is it, where is it?” She muttered to herself, hysterical. She had to find it, crawling around near the fountain digging up flowers and dirt alike. ~Please, please still be here, please.~_

_Until she felt something solid; pulling it from the ground she collapsed. Finally allowing herself to curl into a ball and cry holding the object to her chest._

_~I should just do it, I’m nothing, I’m a pearl made to be used, made to be hurt. I was kidding myself into thinking could get away from what I was built for. I’m nothing, I’m nothing. Just a pearl. I’m disgusting, I’m weak, how could I let her do that to me, I deserve to be broken.~_

_She raised the object to her gem, swallowing back sobs._

_~They wouldn’t need me. They don’t need a weak pearl; they’ll be ashamed to know that this is what I made for. How can I even call myself a Crystal Gem, I don’t deserve it? No one will miss me, they have Peridot, she’s good with tools. If they needed anything fixed they have her, and Lapis is much stronger than me, will be a better fighter. She would probably be grateful that she got justice from being trapped by me, she deserves it. Amethyst, she would be happy if I wasn’t there to nag her all the time, and Garnet she has to know how weak I am, she trusted me and I broke it so many times, she’ll be happy including Sapphire and Ruby. She’ll be off one fighter if Lapis doesn’t join but if she does there will be someone that could protect Steven better than I ever could.~_

_~Steven. He going to be so hurt. It would destroy him if I did this, even if he would be better off without me. He’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me.~_

_Without her consent her gem projected and holograph of Steven. She lowered the object in her hand, gripping it tight._

_She watched as halo-her and Steven hugged, heard Steven mumble his ‘I love you’ into halo-hers legs._

_“Steven” reaching out a hand, as if to touch him. As though he was really there. Her hand went through the hologram, grasping at nothing._

_She brought the item close to her chest, clutching it to her, whimpering. ~I can’t, I can’t, I can’t…~  
Pearl’s crying renewed with force…_

Amethyst gawked, tears coursing down her face unheeded, distraught at Pearl’s nightmare. ~No not a nightmare, a memory.~ She shuddered, she was hoping that maybe she would get to see her riding an ocean wave with Lapis or Rose again. Or it would show why she was so upset over her defeat with Jasper, but not this, it was not what she expected or wanted to see. ~Is that how she really feels? Does she really think that’s how we feel, how we see her?~

Steven whimpered, “What is that Garnet? The object that Pearl is holding?” He couldn’t look at Garnet, didn’t want to look away from the projection. He didn’t realize that Garnet was to suck in a state of turmoil to reply, she felt like she was coming apart at the seams, she could feel Sapphire’s sorrow and guilt echo her own. So Lapis answered for her, she walked slowly in from the doorway to Steven’s side. 

Leaving her gift at the door were it had landed, she didn’t think it was important at the moment. ~She didn’t tell me she did this; she didn’t tell me she had one of those. I didn’t realize how close I can to losing her.~

“It’s called a breaking point; it’s mainly used for self-shattering on Homeworld.”

Amethyst whirled away from Pearl’s projection to face Lapis, her “what!” was quiet yet demanding; but Lapis paid her no attention, still caught up in looking at Pearl’s dream-flashback. She knew what happened to Pearl, knew vaguely at the details of the attack from the tall gem, but it was so much different to hear it and then to see it. 

“So…is that like gem suicide, like we have on Earth?” Stevens tried to push the question out, it felt like it was stuck in his throat. He didn’t need to ask the question; he alreadt knew, he just hoped he was wrong.

“Yes.” The answer was quiet, but it brought tears to Steven’s eyes anyway. He never wanted Pearl to go through something like that, to even contemplate doing something so final. It hurt his insides to know that she could have shattered herself and they wouldn’t have even known.

Lapis was sure that if she ingested food that she would have thrown it up by now. 

As it was, Amethyst looked like she was going to be sick too. Amethyst wanted to find Jasper and crush her beneath her boot. She wished she had known when she had her encounter in the snow, maybe then she would have had more incentive to destroy her instead of just capture and bubble.

Steven let at a strangled wail when he realized just how close he had come to loosing Pearl.

They all seemed to come to the realization of just how impressionable Steven was and how distraught he was becoming.

“Come on Steven, you don’t need to see this.” Amethyst said somberly, grasping Stevens shoulder.

He wrenched his arm back, “No!”

Amethyst reached for him again growling, “Steven, I said let’s go!”

“No!” Steven grasped his head in his hands, “I don’t understand; why wouldn’t she tell us!” Turning to face the purple and blue gem, “Why would she just suffer alone, we love her why wouldn’t she just come to us!”

Steven sank to his knees, he couldn’t bear to watch anymore, he felt so sick inside.

Garnet was grasping her head between her hands, she felt herself coming apart, she felt her two halves taking over, muttering to each other through her. 

“It’s my fault. I did this, she got attacked because of me.” The voice was distressed, overwhelmed.

The other voice was panicked, trying its best to be calm and reasonable. “No, no. You can’t blame yourself, it wasn’t your fault, it was Jasper’s.”

“But she would not have been attacked if not for my error, my predictions were wrong! That lead to her attack! It is my fault!”

“Calm down, it’s gonna be okay.” 

“I can’t, I can’t!” She cried. 

Garnet knew that as much as she had to be, she couldn’t be the strength they needed. ~It’s my fault.~ She disappeared in a flash of light, startling the three other gems in the room. Sapphire was to engrossed in her guilt to hear anything, not even Ruby and her pleas; the area round her growing icy.

What they failed to realize in their anguish that a certain gem had awoken.

“LAPIS!”


	10. Chapter 10

“LAPIS!” Pearl screeched in terror, finally able to tear herself away from her memories. She sat up on the couch, wide eyes seeing nothing. Wanting nothing but the soothing voice and arms of the only gem able to pull her from her nightmares.

Lapis was by Pearl’s side before anyone saw her move, her hand cradling Pearl’s face tenderly. Wiping at her tears, and whispering soothing words; it was what always helped when they slept together.

This time was no different. Pearl’s body relaxed, her mind easing as she leaned heavily into the water gem. She was oblivious to the other gems in the room or the turmoil that she had inadvertently caused.

~That’s the first time I’ve ever slept fully through Jasper attacking me.~

She felt Lapis stroking at her hair and looked into her eyes, only to see that they were pained and sad.

“Lapis, what’s wrong?” Pearl leaned away from Lapis, fully focused looking her over for injuries, she found none. ~What’s wrong? Did something happen at the barn?~

She then felt a coldness surrounding her that she never felt before; realized that she didn’t hear the music of her room, nor the smell of the air of the farm. She recognized that she neither was in her room or the barn. She slowly looked away from Lapis for the first time, and saw the other Crystal Gems, all in various states of sorrow.

“What is going on?” Pearl’s tone was worried. Oblivious that she was causing the pain. ~Did something happen on the missions? Did the find Jasper? Did one of them get hurt? Why are they all looking at me like that?~

No one could answer her, no one knew what to say; how to explain.

It slowly dawn on Pearl, she raised het hand to her forehead, she was hoping that she was wrong. But Sapphire’s comment proved her wishes wrong.

Sapphire’s small icy hand landed gently on hers, tears streaming from behind her bangs, from her one eye. “We saw Pearl. You were dreaming, your gem projected it into the room. I am so sorry.”

Pearl tugged her hand back, looking around at all of the faces around her. ~No, no. It wasn’t supposed to be like this, I didn’t want to tell them. Not like this, they weren’t supposed to see. How much did they see?~

Her eyes finally landed on Steven, who was still on his knees. Tears were coursing down his face, but the disappointment and pain in his gaze was what almost shattered Pearl. 

~I knew they were going to hate me!~

Unaware the Steven’s disappointment was with himself and not aimed toward her.

She looked around, feeling trapped between the couch and the coffee table. Amethyst and Steven were blocking the stairs towards Steven’s room, while Ruby, who was holding a sobbing and guilt-ridden Sapphire, was blocking the access to the warp pad and Temple. She saw that the front exit was her only escape and rushed toward it. 

“Wait, please don’t go!” Was yelled out in unison from the gems able to still talk, but Pearl didn’t listen. She ran out of the house, away from her problems. Away from what she thought would be a house full of condemnation and disgust.

They all wanted to run after her, they tried to chase after her, to apologize. To tell her that they were sorry they had watched, sorry that they weren’t there to support her when she needed. To ask why she never came to them. To tell her that it didn’t matter, that they would support her no matter what. That they loved her, and didn’t think differently of her. 

Lapis stepped in front of the door, halting the gems that were making a break for it.   
“Don’t. She won’t talk to you, not right now. Let me, I’ll talk to her and bring her back if that’s what she wants.” Without waiting for a response Lapis swept out of the house. Leaving everyone to their own thoughts and pain in the silence.

******************

Lapis found Pearl at the lighthouse. She was sitting against the fence; curled into her herself, as if hoping if she became small enough she would just disappear. 

Lapis gently sat in front of the pale gem reaching her hand out, but Pearl flinched back turning away from Lapis, who pulled her hand away as if shocked.

“Why didn’t you wake me?” Pearl’s accusation was quiet but clear. Aimed towards the ocean but it reached its target unheeded.

Lapis didn’t really know what to say, she knew that while her excuse seemed valid to her, it was only going to make the taller gem more upset with her.

“Because I knew you weren’t going to Pearl.” She finally sighed out.

Pearl turned and looked at her sharply, anger and pain in her gaze. “You had no right! What I do, what happens to me doesn’t concern you! I had the right to tell them how and when I saw fit. I didn’t want them to know, they didn’t need to know. Now they hate me!”

Lapis stared, tears falling from her big dark blue eyes. ~It doesn’t concern me! After everything, she thinks that.~ She was devastated, so hurt and ashamed. So angry.

“The only on that hates you, is you Pearl! I did it because you never were, you ml haven’t told anyone what happened to you, not even me. You that’s okay, bottling everything inside? It is going to destroy you-“ 

“SO WHAT!” Pearl screamed, cutting Lapis off mid-sentence.

Lapis startled back at Pearl’s outburst, it was the loudest she had heard her, she went to speak but Pearl wouldn’t let her.

“I don’t care, I’m tired of this. I don’t want to be scared anymore. I’m tired of closing my eyes and seeing _her_ face. I’m tired of being reminded that I’m just something that was made to be used and forgotten. I don’t want to hated over something that wasn’t my fault, that I had no choice in. Why can’t I just be happy for a change? These past few weeks have been some of the hardest I’ve had to endure since the war. But they’ve also been some of my happiest memories. I have been the most content, since my creation Lapis. I was safe with you, I could trust you, I was happy when I was with you. I found just a little but of peace, _why couldn’t you just let me keep it_?” Pearl screeched out the last part, sobbing into her knees, turning away from Lapis again.

Lapis felt her own tears traveling down the well-worn path of her cheek. ~She’s hurt because of me, I promised myself that I would never do that again. I broke that, why didn’t I just wake her up? She means everything to me, I care about her so much. I just wanted to help, I thought this way it would. Maybe I’m not the person to help her.~

She let her tears fall, drowning in her guilt. Lapis sighed and turned towards the water, looking at the waves crashing onto the sand through the wooden boards. ~She wasn’t at peace, every night I spend with her she cries in her sleep. Every day she cones to me and she feels guilt at not telling them, and every day she says that she’ll tell them tomorrow and she never does. She forces a smile that never reaches her eyes, even to me. I don’t think that she’s ever felt peace, never felt happy without it being with a cost. I want more for her than that, if any gem deserves happiness it’s her.~

Lapis wiped her eyes, resolute, and shifted till she was at Pearl’s head. “What you had wasn’t peace Pearl.” 

She waited for Pearl’s rebuttal, she continued on when she heard none.  
She hesitantly ran her fingers through Pearl’s peach colored hair. Chest bursting with happiness when Pearl let her.

“You can’t be happy if you bottle everything up Pearl. You’ll never find peace by hiding away, hiding your pain doesn’t help; not in the long run. I should know Pearl, it eats you up until that’s all that’s left. Until it’s just darkness and despair, you don’t deserve that, I don’t want that for you. I would rather be trapped as Malachite for the rest of my existence than to cause you more pain but you needed this, even if you don’t think so.”

Lapis stopped when she heard Pearl whimper, felt her sit up. Pearl had heard the sorrow and guilt-ridden in Lapis' voice. It pierced her like a blade.

Lapis felt she face being cradled by Pearl’s delicate hands. “That’s not what I want Lapis. I don’t want you to carry me and my burdens, and I don’t want to cause you pain for me, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean any of that, I just…I just…it was to good to be true. I felt like everything would eventually turn horrible because I was so happy. I didn’t want it to, it’s was just a shock that it did. I care about you too Lapis, I don’t blame, and this does concern you because I asked you too. I just…I don’t know how-“

Lapis hushed her, calming her when her tears started to overwhelm her. 

“How can you ask for help, let me in and push me out all at the same time? How can you call them family, when they show you their fears and deficiencies, but you don’t show them yours?”

Lapis knew her words seemed harsh, but she understood that Pearl needed to hear them.

“They love you Pearl, and the only way that you’re going to truly heal is if you let us in. All of us, all the way. I know that’s hard, I know that it’s asking a lot, maybe too much; and I know your afraid of our reactions. But it’s not for us, not for them; it’s for you. I’ll never be able to help you, I thought I could but I can’t. Not alone, you’ve known them through some of the toughest times of your life. They have seen you falter; have seen you fail. They are your family, they’re in pain because your in pain. How could I wake you and take that away from them? When all they wanted to do was to see the reason why you pulled away from them?”

Pearl listened, she understood. Knew that she probably would’ve done the same if the situations were reversed. But that didn’t calm all her fears, she was still scared that no matter what Lapis said it wouldn’t change what see saw in their eyes.

“Because, Steven was so disappointed. Garnet split apart, Sapphire was so sad and Amethyst, she looked so angry. They must hate me now Lapis, if not for being weak with Jasper but by not telling them.” Pearl made her way into Lapis’ lap, resting her chin in the crook of the water gems shoulder. Lapis stroked at her hair, wrapping her free arm around Pearl waist.  
“I don’t know that Pearl and neither do you. Yes, they’re probably going to be upset, but not at you. I was there, all I saw was sadness, anger and guilt, but it wasn’t directed at you, just Jasper and themselves. They don’t care, they care but I don’t think that they think less of you.”

Lapis leaned back, and Pearl leaned out of her lap. Lapis rested her forehead gently against the gem that rested on Pearl’. She smiled reassuringly, cupping Pearl’s cheek, Pearl was sniffling but no longer crying heavily. Her eyes were resigned.  
“

I just…I…I’m worried Lapis. _**Maybe**_ they won’t hate me, or be disappointed in how weak I was. But it’s not just about me Lapis.”

Lapis stayed quiet, she knew that letting the gem elaborate would answer a lot of questions she still had.

“I’m carrying Lapis. I love them so much already. I love that I’ll bringing something new and amazing and free into the world, but what if they hate them , and me because of them. You know what Jasper has done to all of us, she’s hurt all of us. What if they want me to get rid of them, or want to take them because they don’t want a reminder of her? I don’t want them to take my babies from me Lapis, I don’t think I’ll be able to handle it again.” 

Pearl clutched at her still flat stomach, sniffles coming more frequently and heavier as she tried to hold them back. ~I’m tired of crying.~

Lapis wiped Pearl’s eyes gently and enveloped her into her arms with a sigh. 

~Again? Was this the real reason why she didn’t want to tell them?~

“We don’t know what’s going to happen Pearl, we only know the now. And if and I mean if the Crystal Gems want to take them or get rid of then, I’ll stop them. I’ll be here for you and them, I’ll protect you with all that I have. Nothings going to harm you Pearl, never again, not with me around.”

Pearl nodded against Lapis neck, happy tears falling gently. She soaked in the warmth and safety, letting it calm her.

~I don’t know what I would do without her.~

They stayed until Lapis was sure that Pearl had calmed. She let he water wings open and gently flew them down to the house. 

When they reached the screen-door Lapis pulled away, leaving just her arm wrapped around Pearl’s waist. 

“Are you ready?”

She saw nod, but felt the pale gems uncertainty. “Are you sure?”

Pearl gave her a gentle and hesitant smile, squeezing the hand at her waist, “I’ve got you, I’ll be alright. Let’s do this.”

Together they entered the Temple.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: Characters do not belong to me in any way, shape or form. All rights reserved to owners Rebecca Sugar and Cartoon Network and its Crewniverse. Not here for monetary compensation, just for entertainment.
> 
> No beta…so all mistakes are mine (Which is probably a lot). 
> 
> Enjoy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long wait, will try to be consistent with weekly updates from now on. Be patient, I have school and work already kicking my but lol.

The Crystal Gems stood quickly together, providing a united front, when Pearl and Lapis entered the house. They all saw that the two gems had obviously been crying. Again guilt ate at them, devastated that they were the ones to cause Pearl pain. 

They were all quiet. No one knew who should talk first, no one had the courage to open their mouths. Whether Pearl would accept their apologies, or if she would talk about what they saw in the dream. 

Pearl didn’t want to make the situation real, no matter that Lapis was there she did not feel complete safe.

Steven was naturally the one to break the silence.

He slowly made his way over, he wanted to be near Pearl, could feel the fear radiating from her form. All he wanted to do was help, to take away some of the pain he had caused. He carried so much guilt, his curiosity had overwhelmed his judgement. If he had tried harder to get Amethyst to respect Pearl’s privacy that they wouldn’t been standing divided. He wondered if his mother had been here if Pearl would’ve been hurt in the first place.

His voice was guilty and raw, pressing his face carefully into her knees, his ‘sorry’ was muffled by her form and his sobs, but Pearl heard him regardless. 

~He’s sorry?~ Pearl dropped to her knees on instinct taking the small boy, who she thought as her own into her arms. “Shh, it’s okay Steven. It’s okay.”

Steven pulled away, his head shaking. He cupped her cheeks, wiping away the tears that she didn’t know had been shed.

“No its not Pearl. I’m…no _we’re_ sorry. We shouldn’t have done that; we shouldn’t have looked. We had no idea that-” 

Pearl cradled him closer, shushing him. Her one connection to Earth, to Rose. Her lifeline in the darkest of times, her love for him was so different than to Rose, encompassing and whole, returned unconditionally because of who she was and not the potential that she had, or because of what she was. 

Pearl choked on a sob raising her eyes to the other Crystal Gems, who were all equally remorseful. 

“It’s okay.” 

She rocked him, soothing him until his sobs no longer caused his small body to shuddered. 

When she no longer felt him hiccup from over-exertion. She didn’t care how long it took, her baby, her Steven was hurting and if she could do anything to help ease the pain she caused she would.

“I should be apologizing to you.” Pearl felt Steven tense against her, saw the rest of the gems open their mouths to protest. But she continued hurriedly, she didn’t want to be interrupted, unsure if she would be able to continue if they started.

“I’m sorry that I didn’t come to you. That in my time of grief and in the wake of my shaken faith that I turned into myself instead of to you.”

Pearl pulled back, cupping Steven’s red and wet face with trembling hands. “I am sorry that you had to see what I had to endure. I would not wish that on anyone and it was not something I wanted you to see, experience or ever feel. This is not how I wanted to tell you.” Pearl let her eyes connect with each gem in the room, to convey an assurance that she didn’t feel.

“So-so that really happen to you, Jasper, she h-h-hurt you like that?” His question was timid, constricted, as if it had taken all the air from his lungs to speak. He was afraid that his question would scare Pearl away, would do more damage than what had obviously already been done.

“Yes.” Pearl could not manage more, she was getting so tired of hiding. They had already seen, she could have tried spinning that it was a nightmare, that their crying was all for-not, but she didn’t care anymore. She was tired of secrets, of letting things eat away at her. Even if at times speaking the truth scared her more that the Diamonds combined. 

Sapphire fell into Ruby, her sobbing increased. Both Ruby and Amethyst tried to remain stoic through their tears. To remain strong. 

Pearl could feel Steven’s grip on her clothes get even tighter.

“And you really, you tried to-to hurt your gem with that thing?” Steven stammered, his heart beating wildly in his chest. Could feel his tears threatening to overwhelm him once again.

She released a watery sigh, felt Lapis kneel at her side running a soothing hand along her back; steading her. “Yes.” Pearl closed her eyes against the devastation her answer would cause them. She wished, as she had many times before, that for one moment she could go back and tell herself to never go into that Kindergarten to face Jasper on her own. 

Steven felt his tears explode from deep within his chest, increasing tenfold at her confession. It hurt his heart that he had almost lost _his_ Pearl. That even if they had found her that no matter what he did, what the fountain did he might not have ever seen her, hold her again. 

Steven’s grip became even firmer, nothing and no one would take him away again. 

Ruby and Amethyst’s resolve crumbled to overcome, unable to keep their false-stoicism intact. Ruby and Sapphire clung to each other, as close as they could get without fusing. They couldn’t synch themselves enough. Their emotions to varied and wild to control, to unstable.

But Amethyst was alone, on the brink of losing herself. She couldn’t get what Pearl said out of her head, ~She thinks that I would be happy without her around to-to **nag** me.~ She could feel her pain grow, her disbelief that Pearl would think so _little_ of her. She growled to herself gripping at her hair, she felt as if she was coming apart at the seams. 

She gripped herself tighter closing her eyes to fight against the inner turmoil eating at her, she could feel something bubbling under the surface explode, “Do you really think that about us, about **_me_**?!” Her voice was loud enough to shattered whatever silence was left in the room. Loud enough to startled Steven out of his tears and Pearl to recoil in dread.

Amethyst paid them no mind, unable to stop the words from spewing out her mouth, “That I would just be okay with you wanting to go off and-and **shatter** yourself because you wouldn’t be here to bother me.” Amethyst voice strangled off, felt as if the walls around her were getting smaller.

She heard the others move closer, and she felt herself move back automatically. She could hear Pearl sharp inhalation of breath, but hear nothing come out. Nobody to tell her she was wrong, that it wasn’t how _she_ felt. 

“Why did you even have that-that thing Pearl!? Lapis said that it was a tool on Homeworld, so you had to have had it before, it was obviously yours. You knew exactly where it was and what it was used for. So you could **SHATTER** yourself! Why would you want to do something like that!? I don’t understand! How could you think that any of us would be alright with you ju-just **_killing_** yourself? Especially over something that you couldn’t control. We _love_ you Pearl; we don’t want anything to happen to you. I thought you knew that. You’re my family, our family. _I_ can’t lose you too.” Amethyst sobbed, curling herself into the couch. 

She buried herself in her knees. She didn’t want to look, didn’t want to see the hurt on Pearl’s face, or the tears in Steven’s eyes. The disappointment in Ruby or Sapphire. Or the protective anger that was sure to be seen on Lapis’ face. She knew that it was not the time nor place, but the pain inside of her was becoming unbearable; worse than even Rose’s death. Because at least she knew then that it was going to happen. 

She had always looked up to the pale gem, when she was younger and just after being found Pearl was all she wanted, if Rose wasn’t around it was Pearl’s presence that she sought out. She loved the older gem dearly, and it hurt her more than any battle, any fight and any reformation that Pearl didn’t see that; didn’t know that.

“Amet-Amethyst.” Pearl gasped out her name, staggered to her feet, unable to move much. Steven still clung to her, unable to release her, for fear that this was a dream, that his Pearl would disappear. 

Pearl looked around in desperation and seeing at the turmoil she had caused. Feeling lacking that she wasn’t able to even fix a little bit of it. 

~This is why I didn’t want them to find out! All this pain, it could have been avoided, prevented. It was not supposed to be their burden to bare! I just wanted to protect them. Amethyst, she has no idea what Homeworld is like and what they do to pearls like me. Garnet is the leader, she has too much on her shoulders to deal with, without this adding to it. And Steven is too innocent, he has so much good in him, how could I take that away.~

“I’m so sorry, I didn’t want _**this**_. I didn’t want to hurt you; I didn’t want you to see what I am. What I _**was**_.”

“Ugh, Pearl. This has always been the problem with you. It doesn’t matter that we saw you Pearl, it matters that in your moment of need that you didn’t think of us, that you, deep down, don’t trust us enough to see you break. That we haven’t shown you that we care enough for you to know.” Amethyst wailed from the couch, grasping tight fistfuls of hair between her stubby fingers. 

“I **_do_** care! That’s why I hid it. I never wanted to cause you pain, I never want to cause you pain. I just… I-I I wanted to protect you, from this. From me.”

Pearl grasped at Lapis’ hand, squeezing it tightly between her fingers. Lapis could feel her trembling getting worse. Knew that the pale gem was exerting herself to much, so she let the taller gem more into her body. 

“There is so much innocence here, so much joy and optimism. Most of you have never been influenced by Homeworld, not like I have anyway. You’ve never seen things that I have seen. I just…I didn’t want to show you that there are gems out there beyond even your influence. All of you are my family and I’ve never had that, on Homeworld I was nothing. I didn’t want you realize that too.” Pearl felt her body give way, her back slumping against Lapis’ front; energy depleted. The stress, the arguing, everything made her feel tired and empty.

Steven stumbled back slightly, not wanting to hurt the older gem, even though it took all his strength to be even slightly away from her.

Noticing in that moment just how delicate and vulnerable she seemed. 

Lapis gently guided Pearl to the ground, making sure to restrain the rate of her descent. The other gems startled at Pearl's sudden show of fragility. Worried faces came close. Hoping that their presence would help, show her in actions that they were there, always.

Sapphire knelt before her, her movements slow and cautious. She parted her bangs to let Pearl see her eye and gently reached out a hand, letting it rest on Pearl’s shaking one. She knew that what she would say had the ability to lead them down two drastically different paths. She hoped that what she’s about to do would lead to the right one. 

“You think too much of others instead of yourself Pearl. You are precious to us, worth everything that you don’t think you are. But I do know, we all know. We care about you, about your health and happiness. We love you Pearl; we care about what happens to you. We want you safe and happy. And while we are grateful that you wanted to protect us it is our job and honor to protect you too.” Sapphire’s voice was soothing counteracting to her other-half’s jittery and nervous one.

Ruby cleared her throat awkwardly, she wasn’t as good with emotional stuff and calming people down, like Sapphire was. But she was hoping to drive Sapphire’s point home, “Yeah, Pearl. I would fight war after war and go out and catch every corrupted gem on planet Earth just to prove that you can be you. That you can be free and safe.”

Sapphire and Pearl giggled softly at Ruby’s sentiments good-naturedly. There was a silent but pleasant sigh in the room, hope filled the air, that maybe just maybe things weren’t as damaged as they thought it would be.

Pearl tightened her arm around Lapis' and let her other hand grip at Sapphire’s gloved hand. She smiled slightly, felt a relief. She knew that it wasn’t it, that not everything was talked about. That everything wasn’t resolved, she still needed to tell them about, well everything, but in that moment the voices in her head stopped. The nagging taunting memories of Homeworld were gone, at least for now, but she knew her family was always going to be there. 

*******************

Pearl pulled back slowly, standing to her feet and wiping at Steven and her own leftover tears.

Pearl sighed deeply, she could feel them all looking at her.

Pearl could felt herself starting to tense up, she had never liked being the center of attention. It made her feel like she was back on Homeworld with White Diamond and her court watching her every move, feeling their lust and resentment.

Tension slowly crept its way back into the room.

Pearl’s skin felt like it was crawling, she wrapped her arms around herself, rubbing hands up and down her arms in comfort. Lapis noticed the tensing of Pearl’s body, and slowly stood to wrap her hands around Pearl’s waist to give her support, but also a connection; to keep the dark memories at bay. Pearl leaned back to rest slightly against her, turning to look into the water gems eyes for courage.

The rest of the gems gave the two of them some space, but watched the tender moment in bewilderment and a small amount of awe. Though it was a little awkward for some watching what seemed like an intimate moment between the two gems.

Ruby cleared her throat awkwardly, the flushing of her cheeks barely noticeable.

Pearl startled having lost herself in Lapis’ dark gaze. She could feel her cheeks flushing a bright blue in response. But she ignored it for now taking a deep unneeded but welcomed breath, she looked to the other gems. “There are a lot of things that I need to tell you, and it will probably leave you with a lot of questions. It would be best if we got more comfortable.”

They all noticed that Pearl had chosen to sit at the stool at the counter of the kitchen instead on the couch, they also noticed that her chosen seat had a clear advantage of escaping either outside or to the Temple. They chose not to say anything; they didn’t want to make the gem feel uncomfortable. They knew that it had to be around and interact physically with anyone after an assault like that, they understood that they needed to give her, her space. 

The rest of the gems decided it would be best if they sat on the couch. With the four of them it was somewhat of a tight squeeze, but they were grateful to lean on each other for support.

Pearl took a deep breath, stalling for time. She was gathering her thoughts, trying to come up with a plan on how she was going to tell them, and to steel herself to answer whatever questions they had.

~Do I just say it, do I tell them why, how? Amethyst nor Steven will understand, Sapphire and Ruby are old enough to have knowledge of it, maybe. Especially because Sapphire was in Blue Diamonds court. I should just tell them. But if I just tell them that I’m carrying they’ll ask questions I’m not ready to answer. ~

“On Homeworld eons before they started colonizing planets and kindergartens became more popular and accessible Homeworld gems had to find another way of reproduction. They-”

Steven interrupted, he knew what the word ‘reproduction’ meant, “I thought you said that gems don’t have babies?”

The history lesson confused the two smaller gems, they didn’t understand were Pearl was going with it, though Garnet’s clenched fist did give them the idea that she did.

“Steven, please wait until I’m finished before asking questions. This isn’t easy for me to talk about, I promise that I will try my best to answer them in time.”

Steven mumbled out an apology, but after he kept his mouth closed. He didn’t want Pearl to stop talking.

“As I was saying. The Diamond Alliance on Homeworld devised a way for certain gems to have the ability to reproduce. Most gems have the ability to produce, but most do not have the ability to carry.”

Pearl saw Steven’s confused face and knew she needed to explain in more detail. ~I really do not want to give a sexual education lesson.~

Pearl groaned low in her throat, “What I mean is that most, if not all gems have…organs…that have the ability to, um, facilitate reproduction. However, gems that they may or may not copulate with are not physically able to accept it.” Pearl’s explanation was awkward, and the big words confused Steven even more.

Lapis cleared her throat, “What Pearl means is that most gems can have sex but they can’t have babies.”

Steven’s face turned a deep red with embarrassment, and Pearl mirrored it with a bright blue.

But Pearl nodded through her embarrassment, turning to smile at Lapis self-consciously. “Yes that’s what I mean.”

“So you mean gems before had gem babies?” Amethyst all but screeched out.

“Yes.” Pearl nodded sagely.

“What does that have to do with what Jasper did to you? I don’t understand, you said that gems can’t have babies Pearl.” Steven scratched his head in confusion. 

He was the only one; both Amethyst and Ruby’s had connected the pieces and understood what Pearl's roundabout explanation was getting at. Sapphire’s had an inkling since Pearl had left for the lighthouse, but it didn’t stop her eye from widening in surprise. ~That’s not possible. How is that possible, Pearl is not that old, she couldn’t have been alive around the time that gem reproduction was. The future shouldn’t have given it as a possibility and yet here it is. My stars.~

“What I said still holds true Steven. Gems now still do not have the ability to reproduce. However, I was made somewhat differently and when…when Jasper did, what she did to me, my body was able procreate and create geodes.”

“What’s a geode? What does that mean?” Steven question was awkward, he felt that maybe he should have understood what Pearl was trying to say. From looking at the other gems he knew that they got it, he knew that it wasn’t something that was good.

“It means Steven, that in a period approximately 6 weeks I will be delivering new gems.”

“So your gonna have babies?” Steven was astonished.

“They are called gemlings.” Pearl nodded her head slowly whispering out the words.

In that moment there was silence, while Sapphire had an inkling and Amethyst and Ruby and put the pieces together, Pearl confirming it made it all the more real. Too real.

Amethyst was grateful in that moment that she didn’t have to breath, it felt like her rage and shock was consuming her whole form. That in that moment she wouldn’t be surprised if she dissipated her form then and there. But even in her shock her fist clenched in rage. She wanted to hunt Jasper down and annihilate her; crushed her into the Earth. For not only hurting Pearl, one of her closest friend and mentor, but forcing a pregnancy against her will.

But Steven’s eyes widened in surprise, and of course mild excitement, ~She’s having babies!~ He could feel a smile starting on his lip but it abruptly vanished when he realized exactly what the news entailed.

Steven’s eyes stayed wide, and his lower lip started to tremble, “So Jasper hurt you and you’re having her babies now?”

Pearl nodded again, her throat tight. 

She didn’t want to look to them, while she knows that they had said that they were family her gemlings were not. She didn’t want to have to choose between the two, for thousands of years she had a chance to not only birth her geodes but to know them, to raise them. 

She wasn’t about to choose between her family and her babies.

She didn’t want to see their condemnation. Didn’t was to feel their disgust or hate. If not at her than at her future gems.

She raised her eyes when Steven ran up to her, seemingly wanting a hug. He stopped short when he saw her body flinch back into Lapis unconsciously.

She could see not but adoration and love in his gaze, it gave her the strength to look to the rest of her family. What she saw sent her to tears. There was nothing but acceptance in the eyes of the gems that surrounded her, she knew that her fears where unheeded.

Pearl breathed a sigh of relief and felt Lapis squeeze her hand, almost in an ‘I told you so’ way. She knew that while the water gem wanted to be comforting, that she felt a little smug about being right.

Pearl smiled and lowered her hand into Steven’s hair, ruffling it in apology. 

“I’m sorry that she did that to you Pearl. But no matter what happens, we’ll love you no matter what. Your family, and families help each other because we love each other.”

The other gems in the house made noises of agreement. Not moving from their places on the couch listening to Sapphire unvoiced suggestion. She knew that too much touching would overwhelm the Pearl after so many weeks without not even a Steven-hug.

The room was silent, they were all think about the future, of what was to come. They still had to find Jasper, though they didn’t know what they wanted to do when they did. They had corrupted gems to deal with and would be without Pearl longer. And new gem to protect, raise and train, when they had no idea how to.

It was Steven that interrupted everyone’s thought process, “I still don’t understand, you said that gems **_can’t_** have babies.”

Pearl nodded, “Because they cannot. Gems from Era 1 and after are infertile. The Authority had it taken out of our gems when Kindergartens became readily accessible.”

“So how come you can?” Steven’s inquiry made everyone pause. Though it was a question that was on everyone’s mind.

Pearl body stiffened. ~I knew that one of them was going to ask!~ She felt her body begin to tremble, she wasn’t ready to answer those questions, and no matter what they felt now, she didn’t want them to know all of her secrets.

“That’s not something that I can answer right now, Steven. Not now, but maybe soon.” Steven nodded against her hand that was still playing in his hair. He comprehended that whatever it was, it was hard for Pearl. Trusted her to reach out to them if she needed them.

Steven pulled back, “Where are the babies if you’re due in a couple of weeks?” Bewildered that it had taken him so long to realize that. Glancing between Pearl’s stomach, and eyes.

Pearl giggled softly, hearing it Lapis smiled, glad to hear that the pale gem seemed somewhat happier. Pearl’s gem glowed softly, and when it was finished, there sat her true, heavily pregnant stomach. 

Steven’s as well as the rest of the Crystal Gems eyes widened in response. Their shocked acceptance and Steven’s excitement drove relief and happiness deep within Pearl’s gem. Where she once sat thinking her stomach was her shame and failure, it was alight with the glow of the ever fading light, finally in the light, no longer hiding with her pain. 

~Maybe…just maybe Jasper didn’t break us after all.~


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Set directly after the last chapter. Very Steven-centric**

One by one the gems dispersed. Until only Ruby, Sapphire, Pearl and Lapis were left. 

The two aforementioned gems slowly made their way to the Temple doors, seemingly needing sometime to process and recover.

The news of the rape, the pregnancy, the suicide attempted. It was so much information to process and they all had their vices of coping. 

Amethyst had vanished after the last confession was said, maybe to the barn or Vidalia’s. Maybe even to release her anger and sadness on some corrupted gems. No one knew, but what they did know was that she didn’t really like to show her emotions. She didn’t know how too, Pearl was too delicate and Amethyst didn’t was her anger to scare her. All that was left in her was rage, with no way to get it out. Steven had left too, seemingly to wander around Beach City until his thoughts were in order.

“Sapphire, Ruby, wait please.” Pearl’s voice halted the two smaller gems journey. Ruby felt Sapphire tense slightly beside her, almost unnoticeable, and squeezed her hand gently in support. 

Pearl slowly made her way over to their side, gently kneeling in front of Sapphire. She had known the icy gem for many millennia, and knew that she would harbor guilt over her situation. 

Pearl sent the red gem a reassuring smile, before turning her attention to the blue gem into front her, “Do not for one second think that I find any fault in you for what happened Sapphire. You should not feel any guilt for anything that has happened or should happen in the future.”

Sapphire could do nothing than nod her head. She knew that Pearl had an ability to read her in a way that rivaled even Ruby. And that Pearl had been on the wrong end of her future vision numerous times over the millennia’s that they had known each other, as herself and as Garnet to know that she always had guilt if her predictions turned out wrong. 

However, she also knew that her guilt over her predictions had never had this much consequence, that Pearl had never been hurt in a way that was more than physical and it froze her up inside. 

“I understand Pearl. Thank you for your forgiveness.” Sapphire nodded in acceptance.

Pearl knew that Sapphire was only placating her, that a deeper conversation was needed in the future. She also knew that it was neither the time nor the place to confront Sapphire and her guilt. 

“No forgiveness needed.” She nodded lightly at the smaller gem. With that the two corundum’s entered the Temple. 

Pearl raised herself once again, making her way over to Lapis. Burying her face into the crook of her shoulder and neck. Lapis felt the tears soak her skin. Pearl was grateful to be able to release all of the emotions that the day had left her. Her relief, her apprehension, her fear, anxiety, anger; there were just so many emotions. 

They left her drained more than the conversation, more than her attack. She was so worried for the future, about how she was going to take care of her gemlings, what would happen to Jasper. What the backlash of the conversation would have on the remaining gems. She knew that it was going to take them all time to heal and she wasn’t sure if she was strong enough to get through it all. 

All the while Lapis rocked her slowly, rubbing her back to sooth her. She knew that Pearl needed to have an outlet, she thought the gem was so brave. She wasn’t sure that she could continue on like Pearl if she was in the same situation. 

*******************************

Steven made is way to his dad’s car wash to tell him the news of Pearl and to get some comfort in the face of learning about so much evil. He was also texting Connie about there being changes in her schedule, he didn’t think Pearl would be training now that he had seen how big her stomach had gotten. 

~I wonder how she was able to do that. Amethyst can only keep hers for so long and neither can I. But Pearl had have gone **_hours_** hiding it. Anyway I thought she didn’t like it when we shape-shifted?~

Steven shook his head slightly, ~Why am I thinking about this. Jasper hurt Pearl and I’m wondering how she was able to shift her stomach away?~

Steven stopped suddenly, unaware that he was currently in front of his father car wash. He was so lost in thought that he didn’t hear Greg calling his name, “Steven?!”

~How am I supposed to be a leader, maybe mom should have never left.~

Steven was finally startled out of his thoughts, startled to feel tears on his cheeks. Completely surprised that he had managed to find his way through all of Beach City and to his dad completely unaware.

Greg was beyond concerned; he had never seen Steven like this before. 

“Dad!” Steven all but jumped into Greg’s arms, crying lightly in relief. happy to have some normalcy in all the external and internal chaos and change.

“Thank goodness, Shtoo-ball you had me worried.” Greg gripped Steven tightly, bewildered at his son’s bizarre behavior.

Steven had always been emotional, but never like this, not even when he turned into the monstrous cat-thing. He shuddered slightly just thinking about it. 

Greg slowly walked to his van, cradling Steven, reminiscent as if he was still a baby and not the 14-year-old boy that he was. 

“Steven, are you okay? What has you thinking so hard?” Greg asked as they got situated onto the mattress in the back of the van, Greg was thankful that he had remembered to tidy up back there the night before. 

Steven was silent, his thoughts so chaotic that he didn’t even know where to start. ~Everything is wrong. Everything. Pearl’s hurt. Pearl’s _pregnant_ …oh my stars does that mean she going to have to leave like mom?~

The thought made him gasp in real pain. He couldn’t lose Pearl; he couldn’t lose any of them. He would be broken, the two **weeks** she was gone was torture, he didn’t think he could handle forever. ~Is this what they feel like with me instead of mom?~

“Do you think that the gems would have been better off if mom was still here?” The question was quite yes, but still discernable.

The sorrow in his son’s voice nearly broke Greg’s heart. But his response was quick.

“What? No, Shtoo-ball! No one, not your mom, not the gems and defiantly not me. I loved your mother but I would never wish she was here instead of you.”

Greg pulled back to look into Steven’s eyes, heartbroken to see his son look so confused and broken. He had never thought he’d hear Steven, the always radiant ball of sunshine, contemplate his own existence.

“Why would you ever think that? Did someone say something like that to you?”

Steven shook his head, he wanted to speak, wanted answers but he didn’t know how to talk without crying. Everything was so messed up. 

“Okay. Did something happen to make you think that?”

Steven choked back a sob, nodded hard against his father’s chest, trying to find comfort in his warm embrace.

Closing his eyes briefly, only to have them open quickly. Visions and memories of Pearl’s attacked played like a record in his mind, forever on repeat.

“Shtoo-ball I can’t help you if you don’t tell me what’s wrong. Did Connie or one of the gems get hurt? Did you get hurt?”

Steven nodded again. But Greg was still confused, all of the gems had been poofed once or more before, it shouldn’t cause Steven this much- ~oh god did one of them get shattered?~

“Steven, did one of the gems get shattered. Is that why you’re so upset.”

Steven just shook his head, just whimpering out one name. “Pearl.” 

“Okay something happened to Pearl. If she didn’t get shattered and she didn’t get poofed, then what happened Steven? You’re really starting to worry me kiddo.”

Steven swallowed thickly, sniffling. “Pearl got hurt. Jasper hurt her.” 

Greg nodded in understanding, though he was still confused. “If she didn’t get poofed then what happened, she has to be okay now right.”

“No. No, it’s worse, Dad. Jasper hurt her, I saw her dream and even though I knew that I shouldn’t I really wanted to know. She’s been so quiet and she doesn’t really talk to us anymore and she’s always so jumpy now and Garnet hasn’t been letting her go on missions and stuff. And she’s become really good friends with Lapis even though I’m really happy, I wish it wasn’t because of this. I know it happens to some people, Connie told me that when it happens to a patient at her mom’s hospital that she comes home and hugs her extra tight and she sometimes cries. But I didn’t know that gems did that, I didn’t even know that gems _could_ do that. Then she was really scared to tell us and now I wish that I never saw what I saw but then I wouldn’t be able to help her and that’s really selfish of me. She’s in so much pain and I wish that I could take it away and maybe if mom was here she never would have been in the first place. And…and It hurts to know that she was hurt and didn’t want to tell us. Now everything is so mixed up and crazy and-and…”

Greg could only pick up a few and that still didn’t give him enough information: Jasper, hurt, hospital, pain, mom.

“Whoa-whoa, calm down Steven I can’t understand you, your speaking to fast.” Greg was quick to interrupt Steven’s spew of words. “Just take a deep breath and tell me. What happened to Pearl?”

“Pearl was rap-” Steven started to say, but no matter how he moved his mouth nothing would come out. The little word was too much to say.

~Rap? Oh My Gosh. Pearl was raped.~

Greg squeezed Steven tightly to his chest, “Oh Shtoo-ball I’m so sorry. I understand now, I understand. It’s okay, it’s gonna be okay. Pearl, she’s strong and she’s been through a lot and this isn’t gonna stop her. we just, she’s gonna need a lot of support from us.”

Steven struggled away from Greg’s arms, “That’s not it dad. At least that’s not all. She’s having gem babies, gemlings, geodes. I don’t know, I don’t understand.”

“Pearl’s having babies?!” Greg seemed astonished, and that made Steven feel a little bit better. That someone else didn’t know, that he wasn’t left out in the dark by the gems. Dad and mom were together for a long time, dad said that she told him everything. ~So maybe mom didn’t know that gems could have gems. But why did the others, how did Pearl know. How can Pearl even have babies?~ 

Steven nodded, slouching next to his dad’s side, “They _told_ me, _she_ told me that they couldn’t have babies. That I was the first. I don’t understand, if gems could have babies then why did my mom have me.”

“Steven I-”

Steven interrupted Greg before he could get even three words out. “No. Why did they lie about it; did they not want to make me sad? Everything is so confusing now, and Pearl’s still really scared and now we have babies coming and she won’t even let the rest of the gems touch her. She flinches at everything and she tried to hurt herself even though we still would have loved her. How could she think that we don’t love her? I make mistakes and so does Amethyst and this wasn’t even her fault. I just don’t understand dad. Doesn’t she love us too?”

Steven’s red-rimmed eyes looked pleadingly up at his dad. Hoping for some kind of answer. Hoping for something, anything to take his pain away.  
Gently wrapped his arm around Steven, making sure that the young boy was looking into his eyes. His face more serious than possibly any other time in his life. 

“I know for a fact that Pearl and all of the gems love you Steven. And yes they might not know how to show it well but they do. But never doubt that they love you Steven.” He spoke with so much conviction, that Steven felt relieved. If his dad could see it then maybe it was true.

Steven sniffled harder, wiping away the reside that was left in the wake of his break down. The onslaught had depleted him. “I just don’t understand why she didn’t tell us.”

Greg sighed and looked to the roof of his van, his baby. “Things like this are hard. There are thousands of women and men across the world that go through this every day, and it’s a struggle. It’s not about them trusting _us_ , it’s about them trusting _themselves_. It’s a hurt that can’t be fixed with medicine or special tears and spit.” 

Steven hiccupped softly, his words broken by his sniffles, “I just, how am I- how am I supposed to help her? Everything hurts, seeing her hurts because she’s so hurt and I feel so guilty. And I have so many questions and I don’t know who to go to.”

Greg felt himself swallowing back tears, no matter how Pearl felt about him, about how he felt about her, they were still family. 

“You just have to be there Steven, show her the love and compassion that you have. Help her and let her come to you, let her lean on you. I know that its asking a lot, I know that you’re so young and you shouldn’t be going through this. Neither should she and neither should anyone else, but she’s gonna need you kiddo, whether she thinks so or not. But there are things that I can’t answer that only Pearl can.”

He cuddled Steven close, feeling the half gems body become heavier against his side. 

“Yes it’s going to difficult, and that’s okay Steven. It’s okay. It might not be now, and it might not be in the near future but it will be alright.”

He whispered softly, almost to himself, as Steven’s worn out body slept on. He looked to the window, praying to whatever was up there to make his statement true.


End file.
